Started as stove talk now thread about marriage, etc...
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Caw
Minister of Fire
Me neither. I'm just a little hungover this morning going slowly. Didn't need that second cocktail last night lol. Food was good tho! We did omakase. This was one of many dishes.
Caw
Minister of Fire
I lit it. At 830. No coughing so far. No I think she was more whiny about the fact I didn’t consult her before lighting it, over the kid coughing (although it was a note of interest for her).
Keep up those baby steps. Seems like she's warming up to it. Pun intended.
She's just throwing the curve balls to make it about her.
Hard to tell. After she saw me getting it ready, she says “who said we were having a fire you never even asked. What about Charlie coughing”. Ended the very short discussion with “do what you want Matt you’re going to do what you want anyway always about you”. She was displeased certainly, but no other complaints thus far. 4 of us were even playing together on the floor with kids toys about 6 feet from the stove and wasn’t complaining it was too hot 🤷🏻♂️
Feels like temp is single digits it would be crazy not to use it on a day like this when we’re all home. temps look to be warming up next week too so last day for a bit to get it really cranking
While it seems that communication has broken down already, I would propose making a notebook where both of you make notes of times when coughing (or other symptoms) happen, when fire starts and ends, and other circumstances (distance from stove room?).
In my view causality of these things are hard to nail down unless one tracks occurrences and circumstances.
If.you are right, it could allow you to show that using simple, recorded observations.
In my view causality of these things are hard to nail down unless one tracks occurrences and circumstances.
If.you are right, it could allow you to show that using simple, recorded observations.
Making decisions on data? No way!
I will do as you suggested but she’ll like be very dismissive as she usually is when it comes to trying to prove something, especially if the data supports my perspective
Yeah it's not at all about the stove, it's about Matt in her eyes doing what he wants without her approval. Plain and simple. Until that Huge issue is dissolved, which maybe never, this will continue to drag on. Some day she may just let it go but the next time you do something she deems was done without her approval will just fire all this back up. She needs to trust you.
Maybe it's time for the George Costanza move. Do the opposite. Do the opposite of whatever you think you should do.
Caw
Minister of Fire
Boy she really is determined to take zero responsibility in your relationship while simultaneously being completely controlling. That's hard to read. Having been down there road I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
I'm all for teamwork in a relationship, working together, being on the same page, etc but I'm sure as chit not asking permission to do something as simple as light the stove in my own house. I realize it's a hot topic for you guys right now so it's different but something tells me it's not just the stove and that dynamic exists for other things too. She's not your mother. You own the house together.
Sorry that stuff just really irks me. My wife and I are very clear to eachother after the fact if either of us feel bossed around. Used to happen but now it doesn't anymore. Nobody deserves to feel that way...
Except the kids. Lol. They will do what they are told. 😉
Later on, look her in the eye. "No honey, it is about us. We'd be crazy not to have a fire on a nasty cold day like today. We had a fire and we all enjoyed it as a family. That, to me, is priceless." Then a little smile. Maybe even embrace her and a little kiss.....if she responds well.
We're routing for you, and for her to warm up.
Caw
Minister of Fire
This is true to an extent, sure, but you can't treat your partner that way all the time and expect respect back. That's literally bullying. Getting what you want via guilt and demands instead of just asking and having conversations. That's no way to live. I've done it before lol.
Personally I think professional would be the perfect thing to help here. No shame in it. We go and have found it invaluable. The hard part is convincing someone like her you guys need help together. She'll just say it's all Matt's fault and be need to fix himself when that's just not true. It's a flawed relationship dynamic all together.
I'm sure having kids with her makes it so much harder to deal with. You both have to understand this. That's a life commitment she took too. Like said, it should be an equal relationship. I'm sure Matt's trying harder for his own reasons, as well as for the sake of the kids.
She's definitely not seeing that.
She's definitely not seeing that.
You are absolutely correct that this dynamic exists outside of this issue. The biggest thing is money. Anything I spend money on very little if any for myself (again, I’m guilty of Dunkin’ Donuts and spending money on the house, as well as tools here and there for my job (less than 500$/year))and each little purchase she sees on the account I hear about and why I’m doing that. There are others Including getting things done at home but I’m not going to go into that. Cliff notes are I do my share and then some and it’s not enough.
as bad as it sounds if I try to assert myself and how I feel, it gets minimized and cut short most times.
I really don’t ask for much. I try to better our home for us as a whole my making sure it’s taken care of and maintained, and try to make our home more efficient which saves us money long term. She certainly does not see this and I don’t know why. She uses the word selfish for the things I do.
Another recurring thing I hear is me doing dishes, cooking, grocery shopping, laundry and housework does nothing to improve our relationship because she says she could hire someone to do that stuff. And yet if I don’t do those things I get earful for why I didn’t do it. I guess I just don’t get it.
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I agree outside help would be good.
Leaving the bigger issue (foolishly) alone (after all I am neither a saint nor a person suitable for work with people - more suitable to work with things...), you can get the doctors opinion bringing the data you collected.
Leaving the bigger issue (foolishly) alone (after all I am neither a saint nor a person suitable for work with people - more suitable to work with things...), you can get the doctors opinion bringing the data you collected.
Caw
Minister of Fire
Oh yeah so my wife and I have separate credit cards. We pay them from the same joint checking account but we don't see each other's line by line Dunkin Donuts type expenses. We both just share how much our bill is and we pay it at the end of the month.
We kept them separated for a couple reasons. The main reason is we both have excellent credit and tons of rewards so wanted to stick with the cards we had. I also don't need an earful for buying coffee or bagels too much and she probably doesn't want to hear me asking about another shoe purchase. As long as the bills are within or around the budget it's all good and we are good at that.
In fact she just walked in as I'm typing with a bag from Dick's and regaled me with the story how she got a $90 pair of boots for $12. She lives for the hunt and would sooner die than pay full price.
We kept them separated for a couple reasons. The main reason is we both have excellent credit and tons of rewards so wanted to stick with the cards we had. I also don't need an earful for buying coffee or bagels too much and she probably doesn't want to hear me asking about another shoe purchase. As long as the bills are within or around the budget it's all good and we are good at that.
In fact she just walked in as I'm typing with a bag from Dick's and regaled me with the story how she got a $90 pair of boots for $12. She lives for the hunt and would sooner die than pay full price.
Caw
Minister of Fire
I don't mind having one joint checking together. It's easy to both see the big bills are paid and just have a place to pull from for house and kids stuff. Avoids any scorekeeping arguments on who pays what. I agree though it's much easier to just keep the rest separate. I still have my own checking account, credit cards, 401k etc. We don't need to be up in each other's day to day business as long as we stay on budget.
We don't even have a true "budget" in the traditional sense of the word. We just try to keep expenses around the same every month. We'll talk about big purchases like a log splitter or new golf clubs but nobody needs permission to go spend $50.
We have very similar financial ideals so this works for us. I like to spend a little more and she likes to save a little more but the key word is little. It would be a lot harder if one was a spender and the other a frugal saver.
Caw
Minister of Fire
Well the temps are warmer now so stove-gate can chill for a bit. I'm thinking of getting more wood next week myself. Shoulder acting up but whatever. First think is I need to expand my storage area I have nowhere to put it.
Ashful
Minister of Fire
Same. I think I did some permanent damage 12 years ago, with over-doing it on the hand splitting (maul), as it really flares up when I work it hard anymore. Shoveling a few hundred feet of sidewalk on Friday had it a little tender, then splitting wood Saturday and Sunday ensured it only got worse.
But I wasn't going to miss out on our one good weekend of frozen ground, as it's been too warm and muddy to do much splitting this winter. Feeling it today.
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