Time for a chuckle or two. Add yours.

[bogydave]

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,Desperate
*******************
DEAR DESPERATE,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support

 

[Adios Pantalones]

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[begreen]

Funny, with a good message:

http://www.nfb.ca/film/balablok_english/

 

[fossil]

 

[Backwoods Savage]

It's that time of year again....at least in some places.

 

[homebrewz]

I took this photo a while ago. In their defense, its one of the nicer particle board campers I've seen.

 

[Backwoods Savage]

This one doesn't take much gas.

 

[Defiant]

The sad definition of "OLD"

#1
Very quietly I confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
He turned to me and asked, Excellent!...Are you having it catered?


#2
Just before the funeral services, the
undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
98 she replied: Two years older than me
So you're 96, the undertaker commented.
She responded, Hardly worth going home, is it?


#3
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

#4
I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

#5
An elderly woman stated: I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

#6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will
and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

#7
Two things about getting old...
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
And....oh yea, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

#8
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

#9
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

#10
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
For fast relief.

#11
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

[Defiant]

How to turn a number 1 into a number 2

 

[Thistle]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? Wh...at happened to your hand?”

The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook, but I’m fine, really.”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and suddenly my eye was filled with bird droppings”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird droppings.”

“It was my first day with the hook.”

 

[Adios Pantalones]

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel hanging off his belt buckle.
Bartender: "Hey- what's with the wheel? It can't be comfortable"
Pirate: "Aye- it's drivin' me nuts"

 

[Adios Pantalones]

http://twistedsifter.com/2012/04/adding-monsters-to-thrift-store-paintings/

 

[Defiant]

6 Basic rules for good health


1. F***ing once a week
is good for your health, every day is even
better.



2.
F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind &
body.



3.
F***ing refreshes you.



4.
After F***ing don't eat too much; go for more
liquids.



5.
F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol
level.



SO,
REMEMBER ...



6.
FISHING is good for your health and soul,
And may the Good Lord cleanse your FILTHY
Mind!

 

[Gary_602z]

A man brings his best buddy back home for dinner.

His wife screams at him, "My hair & makeup are not done,
the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in
my pajamas & I can't be bothered with cooking tonight

What the f*** did you bring him around for?"

"Cause he's thinking of getting married."

Gary

 

[Adios Pantalones]

got a nice laugh out of this

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[fossil]

Should be a nicely tanned & fit Ferret in a lifeguard stand watching the pool action.

 

[Redbarn]

 

[Ashful]

 

[Backwoods Savage]

 

[Dairyman]

 

[Bret Hart]

Anyone have any jokes to share? I'm going through joke withdrawal.

 

[Dairyman]

 

[Backwoods Savage]

 

[Sprinter]

What you don't see on those fishing shows

http://www.wimp.com/classicbloopers/

 

[Defiant]

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner.

His wife screams at him. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?”

"Because he's thinking of getting married...."