Time for a chuckle or two. Add yours.

[Backwoods Savage]

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

 

[firebroad]

I think we should make this thread a regular feature...

 

[BrotherBart]

I think we should make this thread a regular feature...

The thread has been running for five months. I guess it already is.

 

[begreen]

I'm bringing this is to my next doctor's appointment.

 

[Defiant]

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several boxes of ammo. On the way back to work, I stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. She looked at the ammo in the back of my pickup and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. "Would you be interested intrading sex for ammo?" I thought a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo have ya got?"

 

[Backwoods Savage]

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas DIPS Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."

So saying that, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

 

[Gary_602z]

My wife is a blonde. I would tell her this but I don't know if she would get it!

Gary

 

[Sprinter]

How the Dinosaurs became extinct

 

[Bret Hart]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his
direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh!
I'm in deep chit now!"


Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.


Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims
loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther
halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That
was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use
and trade it for protection from the panther.

So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the
panther.

The young panther is furious at
being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to
that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I
going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs...

Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!


Bull chit and brilliance only come
with age and experience.

 

[Backwoods Savage]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to Heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up Irish Whiskey" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

 

[HDRock]

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

Funny, I just had Kentucky Grilled Chicken a half hour ago

 

[Backwoods Savage]

Studies have discovered most pessimists have the same blood type. B-negative.


Teach your kids to love animals. They'll figure out the sex thing on their own.


What will my friends and loved ones say about me when my life ends and I'm laid to rest? They'll probably say, "Wow. He finally got laid."


When push comes to shove, it's really hard to tell the difference between a push and a shove.


When we got married we lived in a small house that was quite old. One day opportunity knocked and one wall completely caved in.


It's not a good idea to lie. Especially if you're in the middle of the road.


I'm going through an awkward stage. You know, the one between birth and death.


Some of the best advice I ever got I saw on a bottle of aspirin. It said: Keep away from children.

 

[rideau]

You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead.

 

[Backwoods Savage]

Be not concerned nor be surprised, if what you do is criticized.
There’s always folks who usually can, find some fault with every plan.
Mistakes are made, we cannot deny, but only made by folks who try.



Just because the river is quiet, don’t think that all the alligators are gone.

 

[Backwoods Savage]

Bumper Stickers:

Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.

Forget World Peace. Visualize using your turn signals.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

IRS; We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

 

[firebroad]

Forget World Peace. Visualize using your turn signals.

Definitely WANT that one!

 

[WES999]

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?
Stays up all nite wondering if there really is a dog.

 

[Mrs. Krabappel]

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

He took her hand and said, “Second, I’d want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…”

He sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

 

[Backwoods Savage]

Sue, your picture didn't come through.


Magnetism is one of the six fundamental forces of the universe, with the other five being gravity, duct tape, whining, remote control and the force that pulls dogs toward the crotches of strangers.


Perhaps they are right that “clothes makes the man.” Naked people have no influence on society.




Buying quality used cars is a little like buying oats. If you want nice, clean, fresh oats, you must pay a fair price. However, if you can be satisfied with oats that have already been run through a horse, they come much cheaper.

 

[firefighterjake]

Seen on a bumper sticker . . .

What do we want? Time travel!
And when do we want it? That question is irrelevant.

 

[firebroad]

 

[Freeheat]

A set of jumper cables goes into a bar, the bar tender says ok i'll serve ya but don't start anything

 

[rideau]

Bumper sticker seen while waiting in line at the Thousand Islands Border Crossing:

If you don't stand behind our troops, feel free to stand in front of them.

 

[BrotherBart]

A stet of jumper cables goes into a bar, the bar tender says ok i'll serve ya but don't start anything

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?".

 

[fossil]

A magician walks down the the street and turns in to a drug store.