Time for a chuckle or two. Add yours.

[Defiant]

You’re An EXTREME Redneck When…

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying ‘Hey, guys, watch this’.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines’.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

14. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

15. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

16. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

 

[Bret Hart]

Bob & the blond

Bob walked into a bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money..
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again.

Bob took the money.

 

[charly]

Local guy shoots a Blue Heron only to wound him

Now it's flopping around out by his road, shoots again in a panic and kills the bird

Just then bad luck, Sheriff is driving down the road and sees him walking with the bird

He's arrested and now faces jail time and a steep fine

He goes before the Judge and he fines him 2500 dollars and 30 days in jail

The Judge then says, since I've sentenced you would you mind telling me why you killed a Blue Heron

He says I eat them

Judge says you eat them

Yup

Judge says what in the hell does Blue Heron taste like

Bald Eagle

 

[Jack Fate]

 

[Defiant]

The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!​

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.​

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.​

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.​

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.​

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.​

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.​

After 70, she becomes Tibet .​

Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.​

An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

​

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran ,
ruled by a pair of nuts.
THE END​

 

[Delta-T]

2 cannibals are eating a clown. 1 says "hey, this taste funny to you"?

 

[Defiant]

Why you don't find Scotts working construction sites.

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[Retired Guy]

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[ArsenalDon]

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all
day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I
suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he
didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to
do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that
I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, "I love
you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly
and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts
were somewhere else. He fell asleep -- I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a
disaster.

Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

my wife failed to see the humor in this...just rolled her eyes and walked out of the room when I read it to her

 

[ArsenalDon]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!
How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how government works.

....and how our elected government officials leave Washington wealthy men and women.

I'd throw up if I weren't laughing so hard. The truth is always funnier than fiction

 

[ArsenalDon]

Jeez, when I saw this one the first time, it said "Just when ya think it can't git any better ........"

You are a male chauvinist pig!!............................................................I thought the same thing.

 

[Defiant]

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[ArsenalDon]

Occupational hazard.

View attachment 96670

Hilarious!!

 

[Gary_602z]

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher

“Are you sure this is where he fell in"?

 

[Gary_602z]

 

[Ehouse]

Three words to fix the economy:

Gay bridal registry.

 

[Gary_602z]

My inconclusive travel plans for 2013.

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

You might want to adopt this rule for your everyday behavior: "Life is short. Smile while you still have your teeth."

From one instable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine!

 

[Ehouse]

My inconclusive travel plans for 2013.

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

You might want to adopt this rule for your everyday behavior: "Life is short. Smile while you still have your teeth."

From one instable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine![/quote


That one went out the door and came back inuendo.

 

[Bret Hart]

Gone fishing??

A Newfoundland man was stopped by a game warden in St. John's recently with two
ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

" Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim 'round for a while.
Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you.
It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the man.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

We here in Newfoundland may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as most.

 

[DAKSY]

Two lifelong friends, a game warden & a poacher, decide to go on a fishing trip. They make a bet on who's gonna catch the most fish & the loser pays for the entire week's stay...First morning they're out in the fully loaded boat, with tackle boxes, coolers, poles & nets & the game warden is pulling in lakers left & right. The poacher is just relaxing, enjoying the sun, puffing on a cigar & sipping a brewski. A couple hours go by & the game warden has filled the live wells & a couple of stringers & the poacher hasn't even rigged his poles. The game warden finally says: "What are you doin? I've caught dozens of fish & you're not even tryin! Are you just gonna forfeit the bet & foot the bill?" The poacher looks at him & says: "OK. I gave you a head start. My turn." He reaches in his tackle box, takes out a hand grenade, pulls the pin & tosses the grenade overboard. "BOOM!" Stunned fish start floating to the surface, & the poacher starts netting them & bringing them on board...The game warden is aghast. "Are you kidding me?" he asks. "You're gonna poach right in front of me? I'm an officer of the law & I should run your sorry a$$ into the jail right now! I can't believe you'd do that!" The poacher continues to pull in fish. The game warden is getting furious. "Didn't you hear me! You're poaching & I'm gonna throw you in jail, you idiot!" The poacher looks at him for a couple of seconds, reaches in the tackle box & takes out another grenade. He pulls the pin, drops it in the lake & tosses the grenade to the game warden. He says "Are you gonna keep talking all day or are you gonna fish?"

 

[bogydave]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.. Car mechanics tell you the truth.. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend..

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

 

[Defiant]

RETIREMENT
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR
You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR
You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR
You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR
You can retire to the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Linda Beth, etc..
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.
6. Everything is fried and bottled water is rare.

OR
You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR
You can retire to the central Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR FINALLY
You can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

 

[Jags]

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.​

I don't know if anyone else snorted at this one, but I did.

And the Central Midwest analogy...spot on.

 

[BrotherBart]

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[Jags]

- the poor hungry bastage.