How to get the other half on board???

[gyrfalcon]

As a psychologist I'd recommend you pay close attention to two things and use them both to win her over. First, listen closely two what she voices as her biggest concerns and try to develop a plan to address them as much as possible. Second, pay attention to what she likes about the wood stove heat (if there is anything) and try to maximize those things..

I would suggest that part of the key here, maybe a very big part, is the issue the OP mentions about "interruptions." Reminds me of my cat, who has an uncanny sense of timing, where he's eager to get up on my lap and sprawl purring just at the point where I need to reload, and I have to dump him off and go reload, and his feelings are hurt.

Also, I used to have a friend who was always thinking of things she had to attend to right away, so just in the middle of my unburdening myself of either a damn good story or some issue that was really bothering me, would suddenly remember she hadn't watered the house plants, and would leap up to attend to it while calling over her shoulder from the kitchen where she was running the water, "I'm listening!"

Long way of saying that I wonder if the fiancee doesn't feel confident that the OP is giving her his full attention often enough, which is a larger issue than than the stove(s) but particularly exacerbated and exemplified by the stove tending.

IOW, my guess is that the issue is exactly what she says it is, and the stove tending is the easiest and most obvious trigger she can talk about.

I'd actually suggest the OP get that book from some years ago out of the library "Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus" and spend some time with it. It's not an issue of "emotion versus logic," as the poster above says, it's a case of different priorities in a relationship and the way they're signaled.

 

[dmmoss51]

Very insightful.

 

[Coog]

We were over at some friend's house and I was talking with the husband about getting firewood. He mentioned he just recently had been over at another family's house where him and his son were helping them cut and stack firewood. While we were talking about this his wife who happen to be listening, piped up that she couldn't understand why so many people waste there time with all this firewood stuff, and that it seemed like a lot of unnecessary work. I guess from her point of view it made sense since her husband was the breadwinner in the family, and she was a stay at home wife. They didn't heat with wood, but if they did she could see that it would likely have some effect on her work load at home, however the fact that her husband's income was being gouged by big electric heating bills didn't really seem to mater to her.
Something we have to remember is that there is only a very small percentage of people that wood heating appeals to, most people would like to think we have progressed past such a primitive way of heating our homes. It's kind of like hunting, some people are really into it, but most people would rather go to the supermarket to get their meat. There's not many people who really want to go out and actually shoot and gut their own chicken or cows, and even fewer wive's who would be happy if you brought home a dead chicken, threw it on the counter and said, "There you go Honey, pluck n gut that, and cook it up for supper".
Probably a lot of women see wood burning the same way, you bring home a bunch of dusty old logs, cut em up and say, "There ya go honey, heat the house with that."

I think this is an excellent point. I grew up on a farm and we killed, cleaned, and cooked all of our own meat and cut down, chopped up, and burned all of our own wood. My four sisters were all hands on during this process. Not afraid to get dirty and get the work done. I don't think there are many women prepared for adulthood like my sisters were. Two of my sister's family burn with wood and they don't fret a bit.

Not many people being raised like that anymore.

 

[gyrfalcon]

Very insightful.

Maybe you're redeemable.

It might surprise you to know that we women often sit around and complain about how illogical and emotional you men are.

For instance, I'd guess the OP's financee sees him as illogically emotionally wedded to fussing with his wood stove, the way some men do with their cars, rather than being connected to the real world of his partnership with her. If they're doing well financially (which I assume they are if they're building a new house), she's wondering why he's using the excuse of saving a few hundred dollars a year to justify spending an inordinate amount of time and energy that might be otherwise spent on other things, including her, on fussing with the wood stove instead of just bumping up the thermostat.

Can this relationship be saved? Yeah, sure. But only if he can see it from her point of view, admit that burning is a time-consuming hobby he really enjoys and not a necessity, knock himself out to pay attention when she wants to talk, not just when he's feeling romantic, and find a compromise on the stove. I bet she'd be cool wiht that, as most women are with their hobby-obsessed men, as long as he keeps it in proportion and shows that he understands she's a hell of a lot more important to him than his irrational emotional devotion to wood-burning.

 

[jatoxico]

Maybe you're redeemable.

Can this relationship be saved? Yeah, sure. But only if he can see it from her point of view, admit that burning is a time-consuming hobby he really enjoys and not a necessity, knock himself out to pay attention when she wants to talk, not just when he's feeling romantic, and find a compromise on the stove. I bet she'd be cool wiht that, as most women are with their hobby-obsessed men, as long as he keeps it in proportion and shows that he understands she's a hell of a lot more important to him than his irrational emotional devotion to wood-burning.

Sorry gyrfalcon don't mean to make you the fall guy (gal ) but these posts are getting a little deep considering the guy made like 3 posts. She just doesn't like the wood stove yet, maybe she never will.

 

[gyrfalcon]

I think this is an excellent point. I grew up on a farm and we killed, cleaned, and cooked all of our own meat and cut down, chopped up, and burned all of our own wood. My four sisters were all hands on during this process. Not afraid to get dirty and get the work done. I don't think there are many women prepared for adulthood like my sisters were. Two of my sister's family burn with wood and they don't fret a bit.

Not many people being raised like that anymore.

Damn straight, nor do they need to be. But I pester every man I know, including workmen, to teach their daughters, if they have them, and their wives, if they're open to it, how to use basic tools, including chainsaws, not to mention how the house works. When my father died suddenly, my mother was totally at sea. She didn't know how the furnace worked, that there were storm windows that went into the cellar windows, never mind where they were, that the gutters needed to be cleaned out of leaves every year, on and on and on. That was his job, and she was happy to let him deal with it.

I'm not afraid of tools, but I'm frustrated and embarrassed as hell that I have no clue what kind of screw to use for what purpose, for crying out loud. You never know when a female family member is going to have to cope on her own without you.

 

[gyrfalcon]

Sorry gyrfalcon don't mean to make you the fall guy (gal ) but these posts are getting a little deep considering the guy made like 3 posts. She just doesn't like the wood stove yet, maybe she never will.

Sorry, Jatoxico, but guy has a problem. And he's not alone. I read stuff like this every day on this site. Some of you men are utterly clueless.

 

[jatoxico]

Sorry, Jatoxico, but guy has a problem. And he's not alone. I read stuff like this every day on this site. Some of you men are utterly clueless.

Sorry, I knew you would take offense even though I did not mean it that way. I'm just not comfortable diagnosing the OP based on 3 posts. This is headed to the ashcan fast I'm guessing.

 

[gyrfalcon]

Sorry, I knew you would take offense even though I did not mean it that way. I'm just not comfortable diagnosing the OP based on 3 posts. This is headed to the ashcan fast I'm guessing.

I don't take offense. Far as I can see, you're the one taking offense.

Guy came here asking for help with a relationship problem.

 

[jatoxico]

I don't take offense. Far as I can see, you're the one taking offense.

Guy came here asking for help with a relationship problem.

Maybe you should reread his posts.

 

[gyrfalcon]

Maybe you should reread his posts.

LOL.

Thanks for proving my point.

 

[Kool_hand_Looke]

My newlywed wife of 2 months had grown up with a wood stove and part of her adult life at her mom and dads. Her dad always had a smokey smell and the thought of me using a wood stove drove her nuts. Her dad had wood smell on a CAT. My stove is a CAT. I took all his knowledge he had for me and threw it all out. In fact. It's the same model. Following certain temperature guidelines and my own method I've only had two back puffs when I first started. None since. But I digress. She hated the thought. Then I got her into it slowly once she saw how much money was saved after the initial purchases. Then she SLLLLLLOWLY learned how to operate the catalyst and how to load and after a few...uhhh...stern talks.

Get her involved in how much it saves, make it a challenge to save more. Once she gets used to radiant heat she'll love it. And all this "uh oh I smell troubles ahead"...that's hog wash. You could apply that scenario to football, beer, cars, tv shows, attire, etc.

 

[DevilsBrew]

Guy came here asking for help with a relationship problem.

I see the issue as a relationship problem too. Heating with wood is not a hobby. It is a lifestyle choice. Pretty major.

 

[becasunshine]

Maybe get her engaged in choosing a new stove to go with that new house? There are some really sharp stoves out there now!

 

[Mrs. Krabappel]

Ah just get a sheepdog. They never complain about such things. But then again, they are logical thinkers

 

[Dix]

Send her here for a week or two.

Problem solved.

Next??

(Not like I'm trying to logical, or anything like that )

 

[toddnic]

Changing your type of woodstove to a larger and more efficient model coupled with a secondary heat source to keep the ambient temperature from dropping below a certain point is probably your best scenario. We install the Progress Hybrid in our house to heat 2400 sq. ft. It does that job better than we could have expected. There are days when the wife tells me it is "too hot" in the house and we have to open a door or window. Much more pleasant conditions when the wife is hot versus cold .

 

[Englishteacher]

Happy wife , happy life. Much truth there. Having said that- the challenge is how to keep them happy while still getting part of what you want. Not to stereotype, but many women do not like the mess of wood being carried through the house. They see dirt we are unable to see. Get a wood carrier that contains the assorted stuff that comes in the house with it. Keep the ash and hearth tidy, etc. Have a discussion about how you both envision the look of your home together in married life. Try backing off on the woodstove and let her see the difference in home comfort and especially the heating bills. Marriage definitely changes how people look at money. Invite a few couples over and let them fuss about how charming and cozy your warm house is. Then it's not just you saying it. If she's romantic, appeal to the romantic side of this. If she's practical appeal to that side. The nice thing about wood heat is it appeals to us in many ways. You've just got to find the right way.
However, believe me what ever you do be willing to compromise a little. That's kind of the name of the game in a successful marriage.
I used to love my stick shift sports car. Guess how long that lasted once kids came along. If you're lucky the compromises all balance out and everybody's happy. Congrats and good luck.

 

[tekguy]

simple, after your married she is in charge of paying any associated heating bills

you will supply wood for free

 

[becasunshine]

There is much truth to the above two comments from EnglishTeacher (on the Bay!) and tekguy.

Look at English Teacher's avatar:

The stove is near the door.
There is wood storage under the stove.
There is more wood storage in a neat and attractive bin next to the stove.
The tools are neatly organized on the hearth.
The entire presentation is both functional and attractive.
There are not miles of pristine white carpet in between the door and the wood stove to foul up while trying to tend to the wood stove.
Along the same line of thinking, short distance to door via which ash can be transported out of the house.
Nevertheless, I'm betting that there is at least one household vacuum nearby via which any mess tracked in can be cleaned up without a lot of fuss and bother.
A good ash vacuum that does not belch soot out of its back end will go a long way toward easing legitimate fears about mess.

I've been married for over 30 years.
I *do* see messes and dirt that my husband does not see. My higher sensitivity to messes of all types can drive both of us bat poop crazy with each other. Nonetheless, my husband is plugged into the order that I bring to living spaces and life itself and he appreciates it. The tidiness and organization in the household and in our life together brings stability and peace of mind on which he depends. As much as my drive to keep things neat and organized can drive him nuts at the moment, the overall aesthetic and ambiance contribute much to his sense of well-being. And I'm not exaggerating with that- the whole "morale" thing about living in a clean, organized environment is real.

There must be some sort of neurological or psychological or just plain logical pathway that explains the difference, but I can see the direct correlation between a bunch of isolated, smaller messes and an entire messy existence. My husband only sees the little mess right in front of his face at that precise moment, if he sees it as a mess at all. Most likely, he doesn't see "mess," he sees "process," and in his mind, it's only temporary, until whatever problem on which he is working at the moment gets solved. My issue with this is that a lot of little messes (processes, disruptions) make for a messy house, which makes for a messy life. Also, our perception of "temporary" is different, with different time tolerances. His "temporary" is until it gets solved, whatever it is. My "temporary" is until one's attention is pulled away from that project for that moment, for that afternoon, for that day. If the sun has to set on it, it should be stowed away for the night, for the sake of the project itself (no missing pieces, no scattered pieces, no cat hiding pieces) for your own mental health (put it away, give it a break, give your brain a break) and out of consideration for everyone else living in the house (I don't want to see it in pieces, I don't want to trip over it or have to do my work around it.)

If wood heating is a "temporary project" that disrupts the house from October through April of every year, leaving a wake of bark, leaves, tracked in dirt and tracked out ashes in its path, your fiancee may be reacting to a sense of disorder that you see as a process.

I'm betting that it's more than getting up to fiddle with the air control and/or not simply stepping up to the thermostat and turning it to 80'F.

And if those two things are *all* that it is, yeah... there's a lot of compromise involved in marriage. The thermostat and the air control on the wood stove are the least of it. DevilsBrew mentioned that heating with wood is not a hobby, but a lifestyle. He is absolutely correct, and in our situation, at this moment we are heating with wood pellets. It's a lifestyle and it's at least half the bother of heating with cord wood. If she doesn't like fiddling with the air control on the stove she's not going to love fiddling with the log splitter.

Happy Wife = Happy Life. That's true.

Tekguy's point about paying bills is HUGE. My husband pays the rent. I pay the bills. I see where the money goes and why. Don't ask me why, I don't know why, but in the majority of relationships to which I am close enough to know this detail, one person usually handles the bills. The couple may (or may not, depending on their personalities and their own arrangement) handle the budget decisions together, but usually one person handles the bills. This means that this person has his/her finger on the pulse of the money flow on at least a monthly basis.

There is a psychological weight to being that person who "writes the check," the one who puts it down in black and white, that is inescapable.

If your fiancee is willing to pay significantly more money every month NOT to have a wood stove in her house- then if you want a wood stove, you are going to have to meet her on that field, find out why, and address those issues.

 

[lml999]

Maybe you're redeemable.

It might surprise you to know that we women often sit around and complain about how illogical and emotional you men are.

Nope, doesn't surprise me at all. Have you been talking with my wife?

In short, we are. <grin>

 

[eclecticcottage]

There's not many people who really want to go out and actually shoot and gut their own chicken

Cuz you don't shoot chickens. You just remove the head with a sharp object. Unless maybe you're a really good shot and can get a head shot on a chicken...but they don't typically stay still and it's a pretty small target.

Just sayin.

Anyway, this is pretty similar to another thread posted recently that degraded into a similar I man, hear me roar vs silly women bent.

Here's the summary. Wood heating isn't for everyone, male or female, for various reasons. I have male family members that don't get it and think it's too messy and too much work. I work with guys that feel the same, and would rather turn up the thermostat and pay the gas company while sipping a fancy caffinated beverage in a suit. A female family member used to run the saw and splitter and wood furnace just as much as her husband, and I work with another female that burns and helps with the wood stacking (they buy theirs). It's not a he vs she thing.

We are both into wood heat, I might be a bit more than DH sometimes (at least obessive over trying for better burns, fiddling with the air control so it's just right, etc). He even said that he knew the stove was "my baby" lol, when we were trying to figure out the black glass (he replaced the gasket for me and it fixed it).

It is more physical work than using a furnace, but it takes less of the paycheck you work for. It takes more time when you're home than a furnace, but no furnace has the ambiance of a wood fire (although I am thinking that some people might not care about the look). Personally, there is nothing better than sitting on the couch with DH and a fire in the stove on a chilly night. But I'd have a fire containing device in every room if I could, I find it very relaxing.

If it's messy, do you help clean the mess?
If it's disruptive, try to schedule the loading, etc so that it's less so.

If she's not on board, she's probably the only one that can tell you how to get her there.

 

[becasunshine]

Here's the summary. Wood heating isn't for everyone, male or female, for various reasons. It's not a he vs she thing.


If she's not on board, she's probably the only one that can tell you how to get her there.

This. This is excellent, IMHO. This is the root of it. Get this figured out, it's a win/win for both of you- not only in terms of how you heat your house, but in terms of how you communicate about all sorts of things.

 

[Lumber-Jack]

You're right, it's not totally a He vs She thing. We are friends with another family where the wife wanted to have a wood insert installed in their house so she could heat with wood and "he" was reluctant. Funny thing is "he" is the one that ended up cutting, splitting and stacking all the wood.

BTW you can shoot chickens if you want to, no different then shooting grouse or pheasant.

 

[Big Uno]

My wife hated it the first year . In the spring after the second year I handed her a pile of cash and said " this is what we saved in oil this past winter, I think we should upgrade your ring". She is now a believer Builds more fires than I do . A couple of days ago she suggested I buy myself a new saw !!