Fire building in a relationship

[firefighterjake]

From your sig:

"2 rescue cats – both without tails, 1 ornery husband"



(This is admiring laughter, not disparaging laughter)

Missed that . . . not to get too far off track, but I've gotta ask . . . Manxs? Japanese bobtails? American bobtails?

 

[Mellery]

LOL Jake

One Manx from a ladies garage that was overloaded with hundreds of cages of rescued cats.
One feral that we tried domesticating for over a year. He's a rag doll. One day he strolled up to the house and his very long tail was bent in half where it broke. We took him to a vet and had to have his tail amputated to save his life as it was necrotic. He needed a cone around his head for 10 days to keep from picking at the area. He's been an indoor cat ever since That was 10 years ago.

 

[branchburner]

It's become a bone of contention when she builds a fire when I'm home because it is very difficult for me to just sit there and let a smoky fire burn when I can fix it pretty easily. But if I fix it she gets upset with me because she thinks her fires are perfectly fine.

This is of course universal, and by no means limited to fires or spouses: " It's become a bone of contention when she (FILL IN THE BLANK) because it is very difficult for me to just sit there and let (FILL IN THE BLANK) when I can fix it. But if I fix it she gets upset with me because she thinks (FILL IN THE BLANK) is perfectly fine."

Unless (FILL IN THE BLANK) really IS causing serious harm to others, then (FILL IN THE BLANK) actually IS is perfectly fine. Most of our problems and disappointments in situations lie in our biased reactions to the situation rather than in the situation itself, which by any objective measure isn't really that much of a problem (certainly not compared to REAL problems).

You have a choice: be right, or be happy. So maybe just be grateful you have someone who can build an awful, wonderful, overly-smoky fire. Fortunately, you already know there is no good solution to this other than to just shut up and deal. When you stop reacting to the situation as though it was a problem, it ceases to be your problem (or hers, after she reacts to your reaction). It becomes just the harmless situation that it actually is, like any other harmless situation that needs no label of "good" or "bad."

However badly she "screws up" the fire, the end result is probably going to be hours of a nice, warm fire that burns itself out until someone builds the next nice, warm fire. How bad can it be? The only bad thing is the reaction, and the ill feelings that result.

(My wife, BTW, would laugh her head off reading this, since I micro-manage everything she does that is fire-related or wood-related, unless I make the effort to remove myself from the vicinity and let her be. As a friend always tells me: please, take my advice, I'm certainly not using it.)

 

[BrotherBart]

Does all this smoke make my butt look big?

Been waiting for that post for nine years.

 

[simple.serf]

We have a rule in our house: whomever does the chore decides how it gets done. My wife starts and maintains the stove during the week. As long as the stove is burning clean and the house is being heated her method is just as good as mine. Likewise, my wife runs our farm full time. I do chores differently than her, but as long as the end result is the same, it's all cool.

 

[DBoon]

For years, I tried to explain to my wife how to build a good fire that didn't smolder and that could get into gas-burning mode pretty quickly. Then, a complete stranger arrived at my door and told my wife the same things I did, and now everything is ok.

 

[smokedragon]

I know there must be some discussions along these lines out there, but I couldn't find them, so I will start a new one. Two summers ago, my wife and I bought a house that is primarily heated with wood. Neither of us had ever burned wood before, but we were both interested and excited to give it a try. I think we both enjoyed using the wood stoves last year for the first time (I know I did).
The only issue has been that we sometimes disagree about how to build a fire. I've done a lot of research over the past year and feel like I've gotten quite good at using a wood stove. I don't think my wife has invested the same amount of time in learning about it and her fires tend to be a little smoky. It's become a bone of contention when she builds a fire when I'm home because it is very difficult for me to just sit there and let a smoky fire burn when I can fix it pretty easily. But if I fix it she gets upset with me because she thinks her fires are perfectly fine.
I am mainly curious to hear from other people who have experienced similar disagreements. I know there is no good solution to this other than for me to just shut up and deal, but it would be nice to hear from others who've had the same problem.

Do what we do in my home. If I am here, I deal with the woodstove. If I am not, then she deals with it. In our house we have a rule, if you are picky about the way something is done, you do it. Although I am fortunate that my wife will somewhat listen to my advice on the stove.

My adorable husband, however, thinks he learned everything he needs to know about wood stoves in cub scouts 40 years ago.

Ironically, I grew up with wood heat and have now been teaching some of those who taught me (and are willing to listen) about how many of the things I was taught are not correct. But some won't listen, so what do you do.......

 

[firefighterjake]

LOL Jake

One Manx from a ladies garage that was overloaded with hundreds of cages of rescued cats.
One feral that we tried domesticating for over a year. He's a rag doll. One day he strolled up to the house and his very long tail was bent in half where it broke. We took him to a vet and had to have his tail amputated to save his life as it was necrotic. He needed a cone around his head for 10 days to keep from picking at the area. He's been an indoor cat ever since That was 10 years ago.

Love Manx cats . . . I have three mixed Manx cats.

HehHeh . . . one other rescue cat that we have has a regular tail . . . but it used to be about an inch longer, but due to frostbite (before we had her) and me being a bit clumsy and stepping on that tail . . . it's now a bit shorter.

OK, enough on cats . . . back to our regularly scheduled program.

 

[BradleyW]

Thanks for all of the replies everyone. Believe it or not I feel like I can just chill about the fire now (so to speak) after getting that off my chest.

 

[begreen]

That's a wrap, good night Gracie.