# Time for more jokes



## Defiant (Aug 27, 2013)

100 mph Goat


Two Oregon rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along
they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are
amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the
bottom. I wonder how deep it is."


The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something down and
listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here.
Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."


So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and
three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and
looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind
them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the
brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in headfirst.


While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the
hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer
walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to
see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"


The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just
standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes
doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this
hole here!"


The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"


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## bogydave (Aug 27, 2013)

Redneck fire alarm


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## Grisu (Aug 28, 2013)

Little Johnny comes running into the physicians office. "Doc, Doc, please come quick, our Grandma has a huge fever." "Ah, c'mon Johnny, can't be that bad. What does the thermometer show?" "I am not sure. Our fever thermometer is broken but the stove thermometer is in the red!" 

A man comes to confess his sins. "Dear Father, I am 80 years old, married, father of 4 children and 8 grandchildren. Yesterday I had an affair...with two young girls. I did it with both...twice!" The Father looks worried and says:" That is indeed serious. When was your last confession?" The man answers:" I have never been to one; I am Jewish." The Father looks puzzled:" Why are you telling it me then?"  The man responds:" Because I am telling it to everyone!"


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## DevilsBrew (Aug 28, 2013)




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## bogydave (Aug 28, 2013)

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. 
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.
His wife was standing there watching him. 


After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we
are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“


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## Defiant (Aug 28, 2013)

College Football Players


Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
___________________________________________

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? 

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________ 

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? 

Drool.
___________________________________________ 

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? 

None. That's a sophomore course.
___________________________________________ 

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk? 

The cow fell on him.
___________________________________________ 

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods. 

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." 

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________ 

A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. 

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death. 

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse. ___________________________________________ ___________________________________________ 

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."
___________________________________________ 

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.
___________________________________________ 

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
___________________________________________ 

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.
___________________________________________ 

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week;
the other half will have to dress themselves.
___________________________________________ 

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum? 

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
___________________________________________ 

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
___________________________________________ 

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
___________________________________________


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## BrotherBart (Aug 28, 2013)

A man took weekend fishing trips twice a month. His wife got used to them, and was sure to have all of his things packed when he came home after work on Friday. After some months of the same routine, she became concerned as to whether or not he actually was going fishing. One Sunday evening after returning from his "fishing" weekend, he confronted his wife. "All I ask from you is that you have my things ready when I get home from work. And this weekend, you forgot to pack me any clean underwear. Do you have any idea how I feel wearing the same underwear for 3 days?" The wife defended herself, "I didn't forget to pack your clean underwear." He snapped back, "Well, I didn't have any when I got to the lake. Where did you pack them, they weren't in my suitcase." "No, " she replied, "this time I packed them in your tackle box."


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## Backwoods Savage (Aug 28, 2013)

Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?   He’s all right now.


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, “Take only one. God is watching.” Moving through the line to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One of the boys wrote a note, “Take all you want, God is watching the apples.”



An English professor announced to the class:  “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool.” From the back of the room a voice called out, “....., so, what are the words?”



A priest is repairing the church fence. A boy is standing nearby for a long while. The priest finally asks him, “Do you want to speak with me, my son?” “No, I’m just waiting,” said the boy. “Waiting for what,” asked the priest. The boy said, “I wanna know what a priest says when he hits his finger with a hammer.”


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## fishingpol (Aug 28, 2013)

True story:

When my daughter was little, we were driving near a train bridge and a freight train just finished going by.  She said "Daddy, is that train a boy train or a girl train?"  I looked at it and decidedly said " It's a girl train.  See the big caboose in the back?"  Won no points with the wife...


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## Ehouse (Aug 28, 2013)

My three year old daughter's first collective noun;  When we got home from her Aunt's wedding (as flower girl) a bunch of Harleys goes by;  "Look daddy, a bouquet of motorcycles!


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## Shadow&Flame (Aug 28, 2013)

A couple of ranchers were talking and one said 'I don't know what I am going to do with my new bull, he wont go near the cows and just has
no interest in them.'  The other rancher said 'you should call the vet and have him look him over for you'

The next time they meet up the rancher says 'boy, that vet gave my bull some pills and he has serviced all my cows and broke down the
fence and serviced who knows how many cows in the neighborhood.'  'what did the vet give him' asked the other rancher.
' I don't know, but they taste a little like peppermint'


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## save$ (Aug 28, 2013)

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found... shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Smith,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smith, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.


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## Backwoods Savage (Aug 29, 2013)

fishingpol said:


> True story:
> 
> When my daughter was little, we were driving near a train bridge and a freight train just finished going by. She said "Daddy, is that train a boy train or a girl train?" I looked at it and decidedly said " It's a girl train. See the big caboose in the back?" Won no points with the wife...


 
You should have seen my wife's reaction when she read that one Jon!


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## fishingpol (Aug 29, 2013)

Backwoods Savage said:


> You should have seen my wife's reaction when she read that one Jon!


 

Mine too when I made the joke!


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## Backwoods Savage (Aug 29, 2013)

Did you hear the story about the guy who stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went when it went down?  It finally dawned on him.



A rabbi, a minister and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead officer asked, “Father Murphy, have you been gambling?” Turning his eyes toward Heaven, the priest whispered, “Lord, please forgive me for what I am about to do.” To the officer, he then said, “No officer, I was not gambling.” The officer then asked the minister, “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?” Again, after an appeal to Heaven, the minister replied, “No officer, I was not gambling.” Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?” Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, “With whom?”


Did Noah use deck chairs?


I once knew a lady who had flabby thighs, but fortunately, her stomach covered them.


The best place to see a man-eating fish is in a seafood resturant.


Did you hear about the worm in the cornfield? He went in one ear and out the other.


Or maybe you heard the young fellow say to his date, "Let's go out into the corn field honey. I'll kiss you between the ears."


What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?  A stick


The reason blind people don’t sky-dive is that it scares the hell out of the dog.


Did you hear about the two bedbugs that fell in love? They got married in the spring.


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## BrotherBart (Aug 29, 2013)

If you have a gas stove, a wood stove and a coal stove and only one match, which one would you light first?


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## Defiant (Aug 29, 2013)

BrotherBart said:


> If you have a gas stove, a wood stove and a coal stove and only one match, which one would you light first?


I would say wood, come on you are killing me, what's the catch?


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## BrotherBart (Aug 29, 2013)

The match.


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## Backwoods Savage (Aug 31, 2013)

A woman had identical twins but had to give them up for adoption. One of them was adopted by a family in  Egypt. The new mother wanted to name him Emil, but her husband said he must have a name that would be better suited for Egypt, so they named him, “Amal.” The other twin was adopted by a family from Spain. The new mother wanted to name him John, but her husband said he had to have a Spanish name and so they named him, “Juan.” Many years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that having a picture of one of her sons is not enough. “We must get a picture of our other son too,” said the woman. Her husband shrugged his shoulders and asked, “Why? They are twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”


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## Gary_602z (Sep 1, 2013)

Here is one that will catch about 85% of the people.

Have them say Spot.
Have them spell Spot.
Have them say spot 3 times real fast.
Ask them what you do when you come to a Green light.

Gary


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## WellSeasoned (Sep 1, 2013)

Gary_602z said:


> Here is one that will catch about 85% of the people.
> 
> Have them say Spot.
> Have them spell Spot.
> ...



Just got the wife on that one!


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## save$ (Sep 1, 2013)

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House."

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.

Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."


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## Backwoods Savage (Sep 1, 2013)

You’ve heard of animal-rights activists. Now there is a group that has the protection of pigeons as their major objective. They are called People Opposed to Offing Pigeons. For short, they are known as POOP. 



If a pig is sold to a pawn shop, is it a ham hock?



A fellow got caught poaching deer, for the third time. When he appeared before the judge, the judge looked at him and said, “The last time I saw you, I told you I didn’t want to see you here again!” The fellow looked at the judge and said, “Yes, your Honor. That’s what I told the game warden, but he arrested me anyway.”


Lewis Grizzard once said, “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”



If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.   Johnny Carson


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## WES999 (Sep 1, 2013)

Got pulled over for speeding yesterday, told the officer my brakes weren't working and 
I was rushing home to fix them.


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## Gary_602z (Sep 1, 2013)

True story.
I had a driver years ago that got pulled over for speeding. When the officer asked him if he knew why he got pulled over Dave replied "Yea I didn't hit my brakes in time!" No ticket issued.

Gary


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## bogydave (Sep 2, 2013)

A man in rural Minnesota wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof so he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers".
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit bulldog.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab histesticles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks *me* off the roof, *shoot the dog*."


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## Adios Pantalones (Sep 3, 2013)

Should I ever be arrested- I want to be as bad ass as this guy. Of course, my nasal voice would preclude his awesomeness.*



Embedded media from this media site is no longer available

*


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## Adios Pantalones (Sep 3, 2013)

XKCD again.  huh huh- willie


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## Backwoods Savage (Sep 3, 2013)

There are four basic rules for having good teeth:

1. Brush them at least twice every day.

2. See your dentist at least twice a year.

3. Floss at least once a day.

4. Keep your nose out of other people’s business.




Did Noah have flood lights on his boat?



What happens when you put a yellow rock in the Red Sea?  It becomes wet real fast.



When is a dog’s tail not a dog’s tail?  When it’s a wagon.  (Bad.)



Why can’t Cinderella play soccer?  She keeps running away from the ball.



Why do cows huddle together?  To keep each udder warm.


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## BrotherBart (Sep 3, 2013)

Not a joke but funny.

This afternoon I pulled into the grocery store parking lot and parked. The car nosed in in front of me was a new Honda FIT. The license plate cracked me up. A guy walked up and I asked if it was his car. He laughed and looked at the license plate and said it was. I told him he had gotten one over on the DMV. He said he lives in Lake of the Woods and a truck driver friend told him it wasn't a FIT. In traffic he calls those little cars farts because they annoy him. The guy said the next week as a joke he applied online for his VA personalized plate for it. Expecting it to be rejected.

A couple of weeks later his wife called him and asked "Do you really want to put what just came in the mail on your car?". His new plates had arrived and he expects them to be recalled any day.

LOW FART


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## Ashful (Sep 3, 2013)

Adios Pantalones said:


> Should I ever be arrested- I want to be as bad ass as this guy. Of course, my nasal voice would preclude his awesomeness.
> *
> 
> 
> ...


LOL!


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## bogydave (Sep 4, 2013)

Football and the Blonde


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it. 
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." 
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" 
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' 
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"


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## firebroad (Sep 4, 2013)

*Students in an  advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was,  'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or  none at all.
One student, in  particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect  formula for the child.
2) It provides  immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the  right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child  to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always  available as needed.
And then the student  was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end  of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two  attractive containers and  it's high  enough off the ground where the  cat can't get it.

He got an A.*


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## firebroad (Sep 4, 2013)

BrotherBart said:


> Not a joke but funny.
> 
> This afternoon I pulled into the grocery store parking lot and parked. The car nosed in in front of me was a new Honda FIT. The license plate cracked me up. A guy walked up and I asked if it was his car. He laughed and looked at the license plate and said it was. I told him he had gotten one over on the DMV. He said he lives in Lake of the Woods and a truck driver friend told him it wasn't a FIT. In traffic he calls those little cars farts because they annoy him. The guy said the next week as a joke he applied online for his VA personalized plate for it. Expecting it to be rejected.
> 
> ...


If VA DMV is anything like MD MVA, they will eventually send his a letter ordering him to turn it in.  Many years back, someone got vanity plates here that said, F55MPH.  Made it in the papers before MVA figured it out.  For years to come people kept trying to request that one.


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## hossthehermit (Sep 4, 2013)

Coffee .............


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## firefighterjake (Sep 4, 2013)

firebroad said:


> If VA DMV is anything like MD MVA, they will eventually send his a letter ordering him to turn it in.  Many years back, someone got vanity plates here that said, F55MPG.  Made it in the papers before MVA figured it out.  For years to come people kept trying to request that one.


 
I think I must be slow . . . I'm not "getting" this one. ???


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## firebroad (Sep 5, 2013)

firefighterjake said:


> I think I must be slow . . . I'm not "getting" this one. ???


It was when the speed limit was legally mandated to be no higher than 55 Miles Per Hour.  Thus, "F### 55 MPH"


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## Ashful (Sep 5, 2013)

firefighterjake said:


> I think I must be slow . . . I'm not "getting" this one. ???





firebroad said:


> It was when the speed limit was legally mandated to be no higher than 55 Miles Per Hour.  Thus, "F### 55 MPH"


yeah... but you had typed "MPG", not "MPH".  Hence the confusion.  Firefighters aren't always the quickest folks, you know.  


firebroad said:


> If VA DMV is anything like MD MVA, they will eventually send his a letter ordering him to turn it in.  Many years back, someone got vanity plates here that said, F55MPG.  Made it in the papers before MVA figured it out.  For years to come people kept trying to request that one.


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## firebroad (Sep 5, 2013)

Joful said:


> yeah... but you had typed "MPG", not "MPH".  Hence the confusion.


Whoops!!  I will correct it.


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## Backwoods Savage (Sep 5, 2013)

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older guy had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he asked. “I’ll bet a weeks wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to bring back in that wheelbarrow. “You’re on, old man,” said the braggart. “Let’s see what you can do!” The old man went over and grabbed the wheelbarrow and came back to the braggart and said, “All right, get in.”


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## Ashful (Sep 5, 2013)

Gary_602z said:


> Here is one that will catch about 85% of the people.
> 
> Have them say Spot.
> Have them spell Spot.
> ...



Also works with "silk," and "what do cows drink?"

<-- remembers third grade, too!


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## save$ (Sep 7, 2013)

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boy friend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Keep reading-they get better
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, Check or Charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set
in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shoppingwith me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
KEEP READING ALL THE WAY TO THEBOTTOM .
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,pour it onto your upper thigh,rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
LOTS MORE TO ENJOY...KEEP SCROLLING DOWNFOR A WHILE .
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminardealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to theinstructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?'
LOTS MORE TO LAUGH AT ...
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the
aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..
She directs him down the correctaisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton ballsand a ball of
string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for sometampons for
your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes,and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own
.......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
KEEP ON READING .
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,not saying aword.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied,'in-laws.'
MORE AND MORE YET TO ENJOY.
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men....
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
KEEP ON GOING.
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day,'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
SCROLL DOWN SOME MORE...
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job,and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me..'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
YEP, THERE IS SOME MORE...
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to
wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper  'Please wake me at 5:00AM .' He left it where
he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight.  Furious, he was about to go and see why
his wife hadn't wakened him,when he noticed a piece of paper
by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00AM.Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
KEEP ON SCROLLING DOWN...
God may have created man before woman, but there is
always a rough draft before the masterpiece


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## Backwoods Savage (Sep 7, 2013)

I dreamed death came to me one night

And Heaven’s gates flew open wide.

With kindly grace St. Peter came

And ushered me right inside.


There to my astonishment

Were friends I had known on earth

Some I had labeled as unfit

And some of very little worth.


Indignant words flew to my lips

Words I could not set free.

For every face showed stunned surprise

For no one there expected me.



Listless:  Feeling no inclination toward or interest in marking quantities on paper.



Millet:  Food for fodder of feathered foragers.



Talon:  The quicker picker-upper.


Doughnut:  Dunk food.





Rhubarb:  Celery with a sunburn.


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## JOHN BOY (Sep 10, 2013)

Husband goes to funeral home with wife , her mom has died . Husband goes up to casket to pay respects and starts crying . 

Wife says what are you crying for , you hated my mother ..you never got along . 

Husband says My Lord honey ...i thought i saw her hand Move !!


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## Backwoods Savage (Sep 11, 2013)

Knot:  A tangle with a name.


Wading:  The most common means through which a dry hiker is transformed into a wet one.


Coffee:  Break fluid.


Leftovers:  Mull-again food.


Waffle:  Non-skid pancakes.


Intaxication:  Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you sober up and realize it was your money to start with.


Reintarnation:  Coming back as a hillbilly.



Giraffiti:  Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.



Sarchasm:  The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.


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## Backwoods Savage (Sep 12, 2013)

Do you know the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? It’s easy:  Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


Our politicians prove they have faith in the younger generation. Just look at the size of the national debt they expect them to pay off.



It’s always darkest just before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.



I know a fellow whose sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.


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## WES999 (Sep 12, 2013)

Why is the USS Enterprise like a role of toilet paper?

They both keep the Klingons off Uranus.


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## Backwoods Savage (Sep 13, 2013)

Have you seen the new home surgery kit that just became available? It’s called Suture Self


Did you know that in 1850, the first all-white Dalmation dog was spotted?


Cole’s Law:  Thinly sliced cabbage.


My mother’s sister didn’t want a big fancy wedding, so my anteloped.


When a cat quits purring, it has just developed a purr senility disorder.


A woman asked her husband if he’d love her when her hair turned gray. He replied, “Of course, dear. I’ve loved you through four or five color changes anyway.”


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## Bret Hart (Sep 15, 2013)

So this fella from the city buys a 5 acre parcel and decides he's gonna make a small fortune raising chickens. He goes to the local feed and farm store and starts asking one of the workers for advice. A few days later he buys 100 chicks.

About 2 days later, he's back in there. He calls the worker over and claims they sold him defective chicks. "Every single one of those chicks died!" Well, the store worker is a bit puzzled. He gets the manager. The manager doesn't want to lose a customer, so he gives the city fella 100 replacement chicks and an apology.

2 days later he's back in there hoppin' mad. "Why these chicks are no better than the first 100. Every single one of them dead!" The manger asks him a few questions. "what are you feeding them?" "That starter mix your employee suggested." "Are you watering them?" "I have 5 of them fancy waterers your employee suggested I buy." "How 'bout heat lamps? Are you keeping them warm?" "Yes! I'm keeping them right at the temperature your employee suggested!"

Puzzled, the manager calls the worker over to join the conversation. The manager asks him to recount all the advice he'd given the city farmer. The employee rattles off every little detail of successful chicken farming-even a few tips the manager didn't know about, but that made sense to him. The manager turns to the customer and says, "Well, he gave you solid advice. I'm not sure why the chicks keep dying so quickly. But we'll give you another 100."

The city fella thanks the manager. As they are loading the 100 chicks into his Prius, the city boy turns to the worker and says, "OK, I got one more question. I've followed all of your advice and your boss has confidence in you, so I'll trust you on this. But I've never once heard you say how deep to plant them."


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## Adios Pantalones (Sep 17, 2013)

Save this link. If you're ever down in the dumps, click it. 

http://www.formation-massage-stage.fr/outils/nettoyeurecran/cleanscreen.swf


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## Backwoods Savage (Sep 17, 2013)

Roamin’ Poemin’ Cowboys


Jake, the rancher, went one day to fix a distant fence.

The wind was cold and gusty and the clouds rolled gray and dense.

As he pounded the last staples in and gathered tools to go,

The temperature had fallen and the snow began to blow.


When he finally reached his pickup, he felt a heavy heart,

From the sound of that ignition, he knew it wouldn’t start.

So Jake did what most of us do if we’d have been there.

He humbly bowed his balding head and sent aloft a prayer.


As he turned the key for the last time, he softly cursed his luck.

They found him three days later, frozen stiff in that old truck.

Now Jake had been around in life and done his share of roamin’,

But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked...it looked just like Wyomin’.



Of all the saints in Heaven, his favorite was St. Peter.

Now, this line, it ain’t needed but it helps with rhyme and meter.

So they set and talked a minute or two, or maybe it was three,

Nobody was keepin’ score; in Heaven time is free.



“I’ve always heard,” Jake said to Pete, “that God will answer prayers,

But one time I asked for help, well, He just plain wasn’t there.

Does God answer prayers of some and ignore the prayers of others?

That don’t seem exactly square; I know all men are brothers.



“Or does he randomly reply, without good rhyme or reason?

Maybe, it’s the time of day, the weather or the season.

Now I ain’t trying to act smart, it’s just the way I feel,

And I was wonderin’, could you tell what the heck’s the deal?”



Peter listened very patiently and when Jake was done,

There were smiles of recognition, and he said, “So, you’re the one!”

That day your truck, it wouldn’t start, and you sent your prayer a flying,

You gave us all a real bad time, with hundreds of us a trying.



“A thousand angels rushed to check the status of your file,

But you know, Jake, we hadn’t heard from you in quite a while.

And though all prayers are answered, and God ain’t got no quota,

He didn’t recognize your voice, and started a truck in North Dakota.”


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## HDRock (Sep 18, 2013)

Here ya go, This is so cute and funny,  
When a 3 year old is asked about monsters


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## Defiant (Sep 18, 2013)

*I Think You're The Father of One of My Kids...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.  So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the
pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'


She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.”*


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## Backwoods Savage (Sep 19, 2013)

Perhaps a bit early, but....

When I was a young turkey and new to the coop.
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop.

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow
And he told me there was something that I had to know.

His look and his tone I will always remember.
When he told me of the horrors of the coming November;

Come about August, now listen to me.
Each day you’ll get six meals instead of just three.

And soon you’ll be thick where once you were thin.
And you’ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin:

And then one morning when you’re warm in your bed.
In will burst the farmer’s wife and hack off your head.

Then she’ll pluck out all your feathers, so you’re bald and pink.
And scoop out your guts and leave you lying in the sink

And then comes the worst part, he said without bluffing.
She’ll spread your cheeks wide and pack you with stuffing.

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat.
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat.

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked.
I’d have to lay low and remain overlooked.

I began a new diet of nuts and granola.
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola.

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes;
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half.
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed:

But ‘twas I who was laughing under my breath.
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.

And sure enough, when November rolled around.
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound.

So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap;
I haven’t a worry so I eat and I nap.

But she held me today while sewing and humming.
And smiled at me and said, “Christmas is coming!”


----------



## BrotherBart (Sep 19, 2013)

OK. I'll play.

A group of women were at a seminar on "How to live in a loving
relationship with your husband."

The women were asked: "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.  
Then the women were asked : "When was the last time you told your husband
you loved him?"

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some just couldn't remember.
The women were then asked to take out their cell phones and text their
husbands with one message: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange cell phones and to read aloud the
text message responses from all the husbands. Here are some of the
replies:  
1. Who is this?
2. Hey -- are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. OK -- what did you do now?
6. Don 't beat around the bush. Just tell me how much you need.
7. Am I dreaming?
8. If you don't tell me who this message is really for, someone will die.
9. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
10. Your mother is coming to visit, isn't she?


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## webbie (Sep 20, 2013)

I have one, but the mods might delete it.....


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## fossil (Sep 20, 2013)

webbie said:


> I have one, but the mods might delete it.....



Count on it.


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## Retired Guy (Sep 20, 2013)

The rich blonde,
Buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport.
She drives the car perfectly well during the day,
but at night, the car just won't move at all.
After trying to drive the car at night for a
week (but without any luck), she furiously
calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a
technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds
nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde
and asks: "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the
right gears?"

Full of anger, the blonde replies:
"You fool, you idiot, how on earth could you ask
such a question? I'm not stupid you know!

Of course I am using the right gears;
I use D during the day and N at night."


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## webbie (Sep 20, 2013)

fossil said:


> Count on it.



And here I though all Mariners were like Barnacle Bill!


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## Backwoods Savage (Sep 20, 2013)

Years ago before many roads were paved, a man came upon a big area of mud. A farm boy was mending a fence nearby so the fellow asked the boy, “Does that mudhole have a good firm bottom?” The boy answered, “Yup. Sure does.” So the guy gets in his car and drives right into it and it promptly sunk to the floorboards. He was stuck real good. Mad, he jumps out and yells at the boy, “I though you said there was a good bottom in this mudhole!” The boy answered, “Yup, I did and there is a good bottom in there. You just aren’t deep enough to find it yet.”



On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.” A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?”


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## rideau (Sep 21, 2013)

Thanks a lot, Dennis. 

Don't think I'm going to be able to eat my Turkey this Thanksgiving, which for me comes in a few weeks...


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## Backwoods Savage (Sep 21, 2013)

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and a woman intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. “Don’t worry lady,” he said. “I’ll pack some up with bigger portions and have them ready for you before you finish your shopping.” Several aisles later, the butcher’s voice boomed over the public address system, “Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store!”


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## Adios Pantalones (Sep 25, 2013)




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## Doug MacIVER (Sep 25, 2013)

then Satan said, "put the alphabet in math"


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## PapaDave (Sep 25, 2013)

webbie said:


> I have one, but the mods might delete it.....


Wait, so you don't have veto power?
Dat ain't right.


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## Backwoods Savage (Sep 25, 2013)

Following a campaign speech, a man rushed up to a Senator and said, “Senator, I wouldn’t vote for you if you were St. Peter!” The Senator looked straight at the man and said, “Sir, If I were St. Peter, you couldn’t vote for me, because you wouldn’t be in my district!”



THE NINTH SYMPHONY

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one else is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:

Ludwig van Beethoven
       1770-1827

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is being played, again backward. The expert also notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed; the Ninth, then the Seventh, then the Fifth.

By the next day the word had spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. “Don’t you get it?” asked the caretaker. “He’s decomposing.”


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## WES999 (Sep 25, 2013)

An elderly lady saw a young boy on a skate board holding onto his dog's tail, being pulled down the street.
The lady said "Can't you find another way to hold onto your dog?"
The boy replied "I could grab his balls, but that is my passing gear."


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## Backwoods Savage (Sep 26, 2013)

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...


Would you call a short psychic who escapes from prison a small medium at large?


There was a guide escorting tourists through the British Museum in London. “That Egyptian mummy is front of you is over 5000 years old. It is possible the Moses saw it.” An American tourist asked, “Moses saw it? When was Moses ever in London?”


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## WES999 (Sep 28, 2013)

I bought some used paint yesterday....
...came in the shape of a house.


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## begreen (Sep 28, 2013)

A man had two of the best tickets for the Augusta Masters.
   As he sits down, I came along and asked if anyone is
   sitting in the seat next to him..

   "No", he says, "the seat is  empty."

"This is incredible!" I said, "who in their right mind
would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of
the whole world, and not use it? He says, "Well, actually, the
seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me,
but she passed away. This is  the first Masters we haven't
been together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I
 guess you couldn't find someone else?.. a friend or
 relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head...
"No. They're all at the funeral."


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## Backwoods Savage (Sep 29, 2013)

A couple of army recruits were out on maneuvers when one of them shouted to the other that he had found a dead animal on the road. “It’s got stripes!” he yelled. “Leave him lay!” shouted back his partner. “It’s either a skunk or a sergeant.”
How about the young boy who told one of his friends, “My mother tried to tell me the stork doesn’t bring babies. What a wild story she gave me!”


The idea of daylight savings time came from an old Indian chief who cut off one end of his blanket and had it sewn to the other end to make the blanket longer.


How about the young boy who told one of his friends, “My mother tried to tell me the stork doesn’t bring babies. What a wild story she gave me!”


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## Gary_602z (Sep 29, 2013)

Teach asks little Johnny the definition of fascinate. Johnny replies " My aunt Mary has 12 buttons on her sweater but she can only Fasten Eight"

Gary


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## Backwoods Savage (Sep 30, 2013)

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling together by train to a convention. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and then watch as the three engineers buy only one single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the accountants. “Watch, and you’ll see,” answered one of the engineers. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats, but all three of the engineers cram themselves into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting passengers’ tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it, and moves on down that car and into the next one.

After he has gone, the engineers emerge from the restroom and take empty seats. The three accountants see all of this, and decide it is quite a clever idea.  So, after the close of the convention, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money in the process (being frugal with funds, as is their reputation). So when they all get together at the station, the accountants buy just one single ticket for the return trip. But to their  astonishment, the engineers do not buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one of the perplexed accountants. “Watch, and you’ll see,” answers one of the engineers. When they board the train this time, the three engineers once again cram themselves into a restroom and the three accountants do the same in another restroom at the other end of the car. The train departs. Immediately afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks down the car to the other restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”


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## Doug MacIVER (Oct 6, 2013)

you are home lone in an empty house, you hear a fart . would you laugh or be scared? (stolen off twitter)


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## Backwoods Savage (Oct 6, 2013)

A Texan in Detroit needed to call a friend from a pay phone. “Deposit $1.85 please,” instructed the operator. Pulling himself up to full height and dropping into his thickest Texas drawl, he objected, “Ma’am, I’m from Texas, and in Texas we can place a call to Hell and back for $1.85!” “I understand, sir,” retorted the operator, “but in Texas, that’s a local call.”


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## osagebow (Oct 7, 2013)

My dad's favorite
  Luigi, an old Italian guy, is sitting on the beach in April. A guy comes up and says "How's the water old man?"
"Lukewarm" , says Luigi.
The guy jumps in, and it's freezing cold.
He comes back and yells at the old man, "You crazy old man it's FREEZING! You said it was lukewarm"
Luigi shrugs, then replies   "...well it lukeawarm to me!"


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## Ashful (Oct 8, 2013)

An English professor, seeking to demonstrate the importance of proper punctuation, asked his class to punctuate the sentence , "A woman without her man is nothing."

All of the men in the class proceeded to punctuate it the same, "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The ladies had a different take on things, instead choosing, "A woman:  without her, man is nothing."


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## Adios Pantalones (Oct 8, 2013)

Snacks in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month (Shann Carr)


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## Backwoods Savage (Oct 8, 2013)

A Bishop and a Rabbi are sharing a train compartment. After a short while, the two men of the cloth start relating some of their past life experiences... 

Bishop: So tell me, Rabbi, have you ever actually tasted ham?

Rabbi: Well yes, in fact. Once when I was very young and daring, I tried it. But only the once. So tell me Bishop, have you ever, well, enjoyed the comforts of a young woman?

Bishop: Well, ahem, yes. Before I took my vows, mind you, when I was not so old and not so wise.

Rabbo: Zo, it’s better than ham, hmm?


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## begreen (Oct 9, 2013)

Here's the reason why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies", while undergarments for old people are called "Depends":

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!


----------



## Backwoods Savage (Oct 9, 2013)

Through the center of Czechoslovakia there was a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident.  Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off. The old matronly woman thinks : “Now that’s a fine young woman, the Russian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!”  The young woman is thinking : “Now that’s a strange Russian soldier, he’d rather kiss that old hag than me.”  The Russian soldier is thinking : “Now that’s a smart Czech, he steals the kiss and I get slapped.”  And the Czech dissident is thinking : “Gee I’m smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Russian soldier.”


----------



## Beer Belly (Oct 10, 2013)




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## Shari (Oct 10, 2013)

How children perceive their grandparents

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"

I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80.

My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.

As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like.

"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods"

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''

"You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. "Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him! "


----------



## Backwoods Savage (Oct 12, 2013)

Moses, returning from the mountain, spoke to his people:  “The good news is we got them down to ten. The bad news is that adultery is still one of them.” 


Two men are occupying booths in a public restroom, when one calls to the other, “There is no toilet paper over here—do you have any over there?” The second man replies, “No, sorry, I don’t seem to have any, either.”  The first man then asks, “Well, do you have a magazine or newspaper?”  The second man says, “No, sorry!”  The first man pauses, then inquires, “Do you have change for a twenty?”


There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he’d see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, “Sure.” So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:  “I’ll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down.” With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette. A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph. He called into headquarters on his radio: “Hey, you guys aren’t going to believe this, but there’s a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there’s a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to get them to pull over so he can pass them!”


----------



## Shari (Oct 16, 2013)

A man is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:

"My oldest son, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"My daughter, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"My youngest son, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"My dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as the man slips away, she says to the wife , "Your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".

The wife replies, "Property? ... the schmuck has a paper route!"


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## Backwoods Savage (Oct 16, 2013)

A man walks into a bar with a large suitcase in one on hand. Tossing it casually up on the bar, he orders a beer. “What have you got there?” The bartender asks. The man gives him a mean look, opens the suitcase, and pulls out a tiny replica of a piano. He places it on the bar in front of the bartender. “Well, that’s interesting,” the bartender says. “You haven’t seen it all.” The man snaps, turning back to the suitcase. “Come on, Joe.” Out of the suitcase climbs a little man only about a foot tall, who proceeds to sit down at the piano and play several pieces by Chopin flawlessly. The bartender is very much impressed. “My god!” he says. “Where did you find him??”  “Well, I was walking along the beach one day,” the man says, as the little man climbs back into the suitcase, “and I came across this really old bottle. So I opened it up. There was a genie inside, and she gave me one wish.”  “And that was your wish?” The bartender asks incredulously, pointing to the piano. “No,” the man said. “The genie had been in that bottle for so long she had become hard of hearing. So I didn’t get my real wish. And now, for the rest of my life, I’m stuck with this twelve inch pianist.”


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## Backwoods Savage (Oct 20, 2013)

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Quality assurance doesn’t.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs or tomatoes.

When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.

The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.

You never want the one you can afford.

If it says, “one size fits all,” it doesn’t fit anyone.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

Interchangeable parts won’t.

No matter which way you go, it’s uphill and against the wind.

If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A free agent is anything but.

The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

The one item you want is never the one on sale.

The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys or when you are in the bathroom.


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## Firedancer (Oct 21, 2013)

Two blondes are sitting on their porch one evening admiring the night sky when one blonde asks, "I wonder what's closer the moon or Florida?" To which the other blonde replies, "DUH....the MOON!  We can't SEE Florida from here!"


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## Backwoods Savage (Oct 21, 2013)

One day Moses and Jesus were playing golf. They were at the tee of a beautiful par 3, with a lake right in the middle of the fairway. Moses selects a 5 iron, tees-up his ball and swings. His ball sails very high and lands in the middle of the lake. He mutters to himself and tees-up a second ball, this time selecting a 4 iron. This shot was perfect; landing right in the middle of the green. Jesus pauses for a moment to ponder his club selection. “Hmmmm..... Arnold Palmer would use this,” he says as he picks up a 5 iron. “But, Jesus. My 5 iron shot ended up in the lake. You should use a 4 iron!” “Nope. Arnie would use a 5,” insisted Jesus. So, Jesus swings hard and alas his shot ends up in the middle of the lake too. Jesus strolls over to the lake and walks out on the water to retrieve his ball. As Jesus is walking on the water trying to locate his ball a foursome comes up to the tee, sees a man walking on the water and one of them exclaims, “Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?” “No,” explains Moses, “He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.”


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## Backwoods Savage (Oct 23, 2013)

A couple of Redneck deer hunters in the rural south are out in the woods deer hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says, “OK, I’m sure he’s dead, now what?”


A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. “It’s for my husband,” she tells the clerk. Did he tell you what caliber to get?” asked the clerk.” “Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn’t even know that I am going to shoot him!”


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## begreen (Oct 23, 2013)




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## Backwoods Savage (Oct 24, 2013)

An exhausted deer hunter out in the wilderness stumbled across another hunter. “Am I ever glad to see you!” said the deer hunter. “I’ve been lost for 3 days.” “Don’t get too excited,” the other hunter replied. “I’ve been lost for 3 weeks.”


Question - why is it that Beer Nuts are a $1.50 and Deer Nuts are under a buck?

First man:  why do you go deer hunting without bullets? Second man: Because it is cheaper and the results are the same.

If quizes are quizzical, then what are tests?


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## Backwoods Savage (Oct 25, 2013)

If you cross a goat with an owl, would you get a hootenanny?


If apples come from apple trees, do chickens come from poul-trees?


A little boy swallowed a quarter one day. His mother called the doctor who told her that he’d probably be ok and would pass it soon. A week later, she saw the doctor in town. The doctor asked her how the boy was doing. She said, “No change yet!”


A fellow once dropped his wallet in a river. Carp, trying to eat it, only succeeded in bouncing it around from fish to fish...thereby creating the first carp-to-carp walleting.


A student couldn’t understand why his teacher had given him a failing grade on his history test. The teacher said, “Your answer to the question, ‘Why did the settlers go into the wilderness?’ was interesting from a sanitary viewpoint, but it is incorrect from a historical standpoint.”


What’s the difference between snot and cauliflower? Kids won’t eat cauliflower.


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## DevilsBrew (Oct 25, 2013)




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## Backwoods Savage (Oct 27, 2013)

A man was driving in town one day when he got broadsided. He was unconscious when they picked him up with a stretcher and started carrying him to the ambulance. Suddenly he woke up and began kicking and screaming. After they got him calmed down, he explained that when he woke up, the first thing he saw was a Shell gas station sign and some fool was standing in front of the S.


A national study showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a stove poker jammed up his backside while he is on fire...


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## Backwoods Savage (Oct 28, 2013)

The sailor said, "I used to have a girl in every port until I got old and my pier collapsed."



PERKS OF BEING OVER 60

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
21. You can’t remember who sent you this list.


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## Adios Pantalones (Oct 29, 2013)




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## Backwoods Savage (Oct 31, 2013)

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

And remember these simple rules of life:
1. You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the duct tape.
2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”
3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
4. Never pass up an opportunity to go potty.
5. If you woke up breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!
6. And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!


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