# Time for a chuckle or two.  Add yours.



## Mrs. Krabappel

I have removed the caption on some of them because they included "weekend words."   I'm sure you  can fill them in


















Be careful with kids around those bully breeds!




Anything better than this is a good day for a parent


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## Mrs. Krabappel




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## Mrs. Krabappel

Had to keep the cuss word in this one to maintain the integrity


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## begreen




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## BrotherBart




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## fossil




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## BrotherBart

Fifty years ago in Playboy but still my favorite.


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## begreen

Gahan Wilson is a genius.


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## begreen




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## Mrs. Krabappel




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## Hearth Mistress




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## Mrs. Krabappel




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## Mrs. Krabappel




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## Retired Guy




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## Retired Guy




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## Jags




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## Danno77

I could do this all day, but I'm trying to work...or...well...there are other things on the internet to do.


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## hossthehermit




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## Backwoods Savage




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## begreen

These are all great! Keepin me smilin'! Thanks.


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## Mrs. Krabappel

So much more fun than the research I'm supposed to be doing


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## yooperdave

Mrs. Krabappel said:


> Had to keep the cuss word in this one to maintain the integrity
> View attachment 91258


 

The more I think about it, the more this one sounds like something BB would say!


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## GAMMA RAY




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## Delta-T

thank you guys/gals for searching through the interwebs and only showing me the funny things...you are the bestest funny people, and I forgive you for making me pee my pants.


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## Adios Pantalones

This dog belongs to a friend of a friend. It's saying "What lollipop? I didn't see a lollipop"


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## Backwoods Savage




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## tfdchief

This is a picture of my granddaughter shortly after she was born.  My grandson thought she needed stickers.


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## Thistle

Guess which one I would be?


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## DAKSY




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## DAKSY




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## firebroad

GAMMA RAY said:


> View attachment 91542
> View attachment 91543
> View attachment 91544


...and I think we have the winner!  Scuze me while I change my britches...


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## firebroad

Thanks, Ms Krabapple, Everybody, I really need this!!


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## Jack Straw




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## Jags




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## Mrs. Krabappel




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## Mrs. Krabappel




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## Elusive




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## Elusive




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## Elusive




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## Mrs. Krabappel

That's hard to look at!


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## Hearth Mistress

Wrong on a lot of levels but I still laughed....


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## loon

And didnt get a picture of it yesterday as it wasnt funny when it happend 

But will post one today as all i can do is laugh and buy a new one  

loon


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## loon

This wasnt the culprit, but look close to what 'was' the front windshield


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## Defiant




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## firebroad

Defiant said:


>


ROFLMAO


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## Jags

Thanks for that, Defiant.  I did actually chuckle.


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## begreen




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## firebroad




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## Defiant

Careful w/these. 
 
I tried to catch some Fog. I mist. 
When chemists die, they barium. 
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. 
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. 
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. 
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me. 
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. 
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. 
I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words. 
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O. 
PMS jokes aren't funny, period. 
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. 
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. 
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. 
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. 
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? 
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds. 
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! 
Broken pencils are pointless. 
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. 
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . 
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. 
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. 
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on. 
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. 
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. 
Velcro - what a rip off! 
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. 
Venison for dinner? Oh deer! 
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault. 
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.


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## Defiant

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
WHEN YOU'RE OLDER
AND DON'T MOVE AS FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. 

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" 
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. 

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.." 

George said, "Okay." 

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.. 

"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up. 

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. 

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" 
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people.


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## begreen

Chuckle of the day. This one's for Fossil. Smart Kids:


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## Retired Guy

Enuf said.


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## Billybonfire

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Frank’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

“Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”
... 
“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’” I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, “Do what ever you want.”
So, here I am.


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## Defiant




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## GAMMA RAY




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## hossthehermit

Jeez, when I saw this one the first time, it said "Just when ya think it can't git any better ........"


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## Jags

hossthehermit said:


> Jeez, when I saw this one the first time, it said "Just when ya think it can't git any better ........"


 
Perspective.


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## BrotherBart

A guy comes home every Friday night and his wife has his fishing gear and provisions waiting for him. He kisses her and heads out to fish all weekend for stress relief. One Sunday night he comes back as usual and when he walks in he asks his wife "Honey why didn't you pack my underwear this time?". She replies "Honey, if you had opened your tackle box you would have found them.".


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## Mrs. Krabappel

.


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## Mrs. Krabappel

.


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## Mrs. Krabappel




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## Mrs. Krabappel




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## fossil




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## ArsenalDon




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## rideau

Man dies, goes to heaven, meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates:  "Have you been faithful to your wife?"  Man answers, "I've always been faithful to my wife." St. Peter says, "you get a Cadillac and you can drive anywhere you want in Heaven.

Man dies, goes to heaven, meets St. Peter at the Perly Gates.  "Have you been faithful to your wife?"  Mans answers: "I have to be honesst.  I cheated once."  St. Peter says, "You get a VW and you get to drive on the right hand side of Heaven.

Man dies and goes to Heaven, meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.  "Have you been faithful to your wife?"  Man answers, I cheated every chance I got."  St. Peter says: "  You get a bicycle and can rde in these ten blocks in Heaven."

A month later the man with the VW and the man with the bike come across the man with the Cadillac.  He's sitting on the curb, crying.  "What are you crying for?" they ask.  "You have a Cadillac, you can drive anywhere you want in Heaven."

The man answers, "My wife just went by on a skateboard."


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## ArsenalDon

rideau said:


> Man dies, goes to heaven, meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates: "Have you been faithful to your wife?" Man answers, "I've always been faithful to my wife." St. Peter says, "you get a Cadillac and you can drive anywhere you want in Heaven.
> 
> Man dies, goes to heaven, meets St. Peter at the Perly Gates. "Have you been faithful to your wife?" Mans answers: "I have to be honesst. I cheated once." St. Peter says, "You get a VW and you get to drive on the right hand side of Heaven.
> 
> Man dies and goes to Heaven, meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you been faithful to your wife?" Man answers, I cheated every chance I got." St. Peter says: " You get a bicycle and can rde in these ten blocks in Heaven."
> 
> A month later the man with the VW and the man with the bike come across the man with the Cadillac. He's sitting on the curb, crying. "What are you crying for?" they ask. "You have a Cadillac, you can drive anywhere you want in Heaven."
> 
> The man answers, "My wife just went by on a skateboard."


My wife said...why couldn't it have been the bike or the VW guy....women....


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## ArsenalDon

Don Williams said:


>


guess what I do for a living???


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## Mrs. Krabappel

pre-super cedars


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## Mrs. Krabappel




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## JoeyD

Well I hope this doesn't offend anyone,


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## Thistle

Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, Ray Ban® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer and connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image pr...ocessing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about
cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.


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## Defiant




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## rideau

That's a good one.  Really gets a great laugh!  I've always loved frogs....now I'm starting to think they are smart, to boot.

Thanks for posting.  You made my day.


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## Dairyman

Occupational hazard.


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## Defiant

Help For AN OLD SHIPMATE......... 


I'm reaching out on behalf of an old Shipmate of mine who needs some help. 

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. 

When he came back, he handed her a bottle of diet pills. 

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help.


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## hossthehermit

I was seventeen, when this survey was taken ....... and, yes, I WAS content or extremely happy .................


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## BrotherBart

hossthehermit said:


> I was seventeen, when this survey was taken ....... and, yes, I WAS content or extremely happy .................
> 
> View attachment 96892


 
You have socks older than Amy Poehler


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## BrotherBart




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## Defiant

Love it


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## BrotherBart

A little footnote to the Emma vid. A friend's father retired from Moore Business Forms. I was at their house for dinner one night and he told me that he loved us IT guys. We had declared that we were going to turn this into a paperless society. And then invented printers that could eat paper fifty times faster than ever before possible and made a great retirement possible for him.


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## fossil

Ink erasers, white-out, that ribbon for Selectrics that would "undo"...we used to do_ anything _to keep from having to start over with a new sheet of paper...more desperately the farther into the page we were.  It wasn't the paper we were worried about...it was all of our time & effort.  Flash forward to computers, word processors, and printers and all of a sudden it's like, "Oops, that won't do, I gotta fix that and print out another copy.  Paper?  Oh hell, I've a couple of reams here."  I'm quite sure I've used a lot _more_ paper because the technology has made it so quick & easy.  Rick


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## rideau

Showing my age:  I don't know how to post a link here, if that is the right terminology.  There is a nice little animation video called Mousetrap Bootcamp on you tube. 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrATg88dkYA


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## Defiant




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## fossil

There's no "i" in Mice.  Oh wait, there is one.  Nevermind, I have to re-think this.


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## hossthehermit

OK, which one of you was this ?????? 'Fess up !


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## fossil

What's the problem, is that a handicapped parking spot, or what?


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## Defiant

Not me, I would have fit more in. He still has empty space, passenger seat


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## Defiant




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## sheetmetaldan

View attachment 97386
View attachment 97387

	

		
			
		

		
	
 A few I found.


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## sheetmetaldan

A few more. If they ever need a real person to play Beavis from Beavis and Butthead I found him!


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## mhambi




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## JoeyD

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all
day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I
suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he
didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to
do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that
I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, "I love
you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly
and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts
were somewhere else. He fell asleep -- I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a
disaster.

Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.


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## CT-Mike

Every Saturday morning a man plays 18 holes at his country club, and is home just after noon. One day he doesn't get home until 5 in the evening. When asked by his wife where he was, he replies 

"I was driving home from the club and came upon a young woman with a flat on the side of the road. I stopped and helped her change the tire, and she said she only lived around the corner and I should stop to clean the grease from my hands. One thing led to another and we ended up in bed. Can you please forgive me?"

She says " Don't give me that crap, you played 36 holes didn't you?"


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## Mrs. Krabappel

http://www.bitrebels.com/entertainment-2/this-is-why-men-die-before-women-14-pics/


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## CT-Mike

I thought men died before women because they wanted to.


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## Gary_602z

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!
How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how government works.

....and how our elected government officials leave Washington wealthy men and women.


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## woodgeek

sheetmetaldan said:


> A few more. If they ever need a real person to play Beavis from Beavis and Butthead I found him!


 
I hate to be a name dropping azzhole...but I have met the actual Beavis.   

grew up with Mike Judge....actually laughs like that.


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## bmblank

Gary_602z said:


> Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.


You know how people say stuff like, "its funny cause its true"?
I wish this were funny....


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## rideau

Man is dying, gives $10,000 to each of his three best friends, a priest, a doctor and a lawyer, charging them to toss the money in the grave with him when he is buried.  He dies, and the three go to the funeral and burial.  Doctor throws an envelope in top of the lowered casket, as do, priest and lawyer. 

 After the service, they go together to a local bar for a drink in their buddy's memory. 

The priest looks a bit distressed.  He says to the other two, "  I just can't lie about it.  It seemed such a waste, I put $9000 of the $10,000 in the poor box.  The doctor looked at him for a minute, then says, "Well, I gave $8000 of the $10,000 to the hospital for some new x-ray equipment."

"I'm ashamed of you both," the lawyer declares.  "I put a cheque for the full $10,000 in the envelope."


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## Defiant

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed, ' she replied.. 

' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered. 

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. 

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. ' 

I know, she said, I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came!


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## Defiant

You’re An EXTREME Redneck When…

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying ‘Hey, guys, watch this’.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines’.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

14. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

15. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

16. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


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## Bret Hart

*Bob & the blond*

Bob walked into a bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money..
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again.

Bob took the money.


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## charly

Local guy shoots a Blue Heron only to wound him

Now it's flopping around out by his road, shoots again in a panic and kills the bird

Just then bad luck, Sheriff is driving down the road and sees him walking with the bird

He's arrested and now faces jail time and a steep fine

He goes before the Judge and he fines him 2500 dollars and 30 days in jail

The Judge then says, since I've sentenced you would you mind telling me why you killed a Blue Heron

He says I eat them

Judge says you eat them

Yup

Judge says what in the hell does Blue Heron taste like

Bald Eagle


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## Jack Fate




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## Defiant

*The Geography of a Woman*




*
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!*​



*
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.*​



*
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.*​



*
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.*​



*
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.*​



*
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.*​



*
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.*​



*
After 70, she becomes Tibet .*​*Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.*​*An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.* *

**THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN* *

*



​*Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran ,* *
ruled by a pair of nuts.* *
**THE END*​


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## Delta-T

2 cannibals are eating a clown. 1 says "hey, this taste funny to you"?


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## Defiant

Why you don't find Scotts working construction sites.


----------



## Retired Guy




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## ArsenalDon

JoeyD said:


> Wife's Diary:
> 
> Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
> meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all
> day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
> but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I
> suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he
> didn't say much.
> 
> I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my
> fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to
> do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that
> I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
> 
> I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, "I love
> you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
> if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly
> and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
> silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
> he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts
> were somewhere else. He fell asleep -- I cried. I don't know what to do.
> I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a
> disaster.
> 
> Husband's Diary:
> 
> Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.


my wife failed to see the humor in this...just rolled her eyes and walked out of the room when I read it to her


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## ArsenalDon

Gary_602z said:


> Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
> 
> One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
> 
> All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
> 
> The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
> 
> "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
> 
> The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
> 
> The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
> 
> The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!
> How did you come up with such a high figure?"
> 
> The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
> 
> "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how government works.
> 
> ....and how our elected government officials leave Washington wealthy men and women.


I'd throw up if I weren't laughing so hard.   The truth is always funnier than fiction


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## ArsenalDon

hossthehermit said:


> Jeez, when I saw this one the first time, it said "Just when ya think it can't git any better ........"


 
You are a male chauvinist pig!!............................................................I thought the same thing.


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## Defiant




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## ArsenalDon

Dairyman said:


> Occupational hazard.
> 
> View attachment 96670


Hilarious!!


----------



## Gary_602z

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher 

“Are you sure this is where he fell in"?


----------



## Gary_602z




----------



## Ehouse

Three words to fix the economy:

Gay bridal registry.


----------



## Gary_602z

My inconclusive travel plans for 2013. 

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. 

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. 

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. 

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. 

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. 

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. 

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. 

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! 

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there. 

You might want to adopt this rule for your everyday behavior: "Life is short. Smile while you still have your teeth."

From one instable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine!


----------



## Ehouse

Gary_602z said:


> My inconclusive travel plans for 2013.
> 
> I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
> 
> I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
> 
> I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
> 
> I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
> 
> I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
> 
> I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
> 
> Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
> 
> One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
> 
> I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
> 
> You might want to adopt this rule for your everyday behavior: "Life is short. Smile while you still have your teeth."
> 
> From one instable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine![/quote
> 
> 
> That one went out the door and came back inuendo.


----------



## Bret Hart

*Gone fishing??*

A Newfoundland man was stopped by a game warden in St. John's recently with two
ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

" Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim 'round for a while.
Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you.
It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the man.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

We here in Newfoundland may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as most.


----------



## DAKSY

Two lifelong friends, a game warden & a poacher, decide to go on a fishing trip. They make a bet on who's gonna catch the most fish & the loser pays for the entire week's stay...First morning they're out in the fully loaded boat, with tackle boxes, coolers, poles & nets & the game warden is pulling in lakers left & right. The poacher is just relaxing, enjoying the sun, puffing on a cigar & sipping a brewski. A couple hours go by & the game warden has filled the live wells & a couple of stringers & the poacher hasn't even rigged his poles. The game warden finally says: "What are you doin? I've caught dozens of fish & you're not even tryin! Are you just gonna forfeit the bet & foot the bill?" The poacher looks at him & says: "OK. I gave you a head start.  My turn." He reaches in his tackle box, takes out a hand grenade, pulls the pin & tosses the grenade overboard. "BOOM!" Stunned fish start floating to the surface, & the poacher starts netting them & bringing them on board...The game warden is aghast. "Are you kidding me?" he asks. "You're gonna poach right in front of me? I'm an officer of the law & I should run your sorry a$$ into the jail right now! I can't believe you'd do that!" The poacher continues to pull in fish. The game warden is getting furious. "Didn't you hear me! You're poaching & I'm gonna throw you in jail, you idiot!" The poacher looks at him for a couple of seconds, reaches in the tackle box & takes out another grenade. He pulls the pin, drops it in the lake & tosses the grenade to the game warden. He says "Are you gonna keep talking all day or are you gonna fish?"


----------



## bogydave

WHY  MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: 
Men  Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such  simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage  is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.  Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President.  You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt  to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park..  Car mechanics tell you the truth.. The world is your  urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station  restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't  have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a  bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. wedding  dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at  your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't  cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the  time.Phone  conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know  stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one  suitcase. You can open all your own jars.. You get extra  credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If  someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be  your friend.. 

Your underwear is $8.95 for a  three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.  You almost never have strap problems in public. You are  unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on  your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle  lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave  your face and neck. 

You can play with toys all  your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one  color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how  your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket  knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a  moustache. You  can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December  24 in 25 minutes. No  wonder men are happier.


----------



## Defiant

RETIREMENT
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR
You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR
You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. 
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR
You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole. 
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR
You can retire to the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Linda Beth, etc..
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.
6. Everything is fried and bottled water is rare.

OR
You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR
You can retire to the central Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR FINALLY
You can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.


----------



## Jags

Defiant said:


> 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.​


 
I don't know if anyone else snorted at this one, but I did.

And the Central Midwest analogy...spot on.


----------



## BrotherBart




----------



## Jags

- the poor hungry bastage.


----------



## BrotherBart




----------



## begreen

Got cell phone? This one had me in tears. I'm still laughing over some of the auto-corrects.

http://littlewhitelion.com/18-of-the-best-autocorrect-struggles-21607/


----------



## Shari

begreen said:


> Got cell phone? This one had me in tears. I'm still laughing over some of the auto-corrects.
> 
> http://littlewhitelion.com/18-of-the-best-autocorrect-struggles-21607/


 
Reading this I don't think I laughed so much in a long time!


----------



## Floydian

begreen said:


> http://littlewhitelion.com/18-of-the-best-autocorrect-struggles-21607/​


 
Thanks for that, begreen. Absolutely hilarious-I'm still recovering.

Noah


----------



## begreen

I'm not sure why they call them smart phones, at times they're more like brain fart phones. At my age I don't need something making more typos than I already do. 

I had to share with my wife. She does not get along well with technology. I thought she was going to pee in her pants.


----------



## fossil

You just need to be smarter than the phone.


----------



## Seasoned Oak

I know Us woodburners will appreciate this one. The absolute 
	

		
			
		

		
	



	

		
			
		

		
	
 WORST way to try and start a saw. BY the way that is NOT me in the picture. Probably one of you guys


----------



## rideau

I really, really, really, really, really hope that is a staged photo. Really.


----------



## Beer Belly




----------



## Beer Belly

too funny.....how many of us would have loved to do this...


----------



## Bret Hart

*Polite is the way*

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that
he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're
about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The
first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the
terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy
counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring
course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he
was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said,
"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep
your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation......

And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.


----------



## Backwoods Savage




----------



## begreen

That's udderly silly!


----------



## Backwoods Savage




----------



## Ashful

These are not jokes, but legit advertisements I copied out of a trade magazine ten years ago.  Must've been an interesting company.


----------



## Backwoods Savage

This too is an orginal add. Bailey's still sells the Wild Ass brand.


----------



## BrotherBart

I laughed till I cried the first time I saw the Big Assawoman Bay in Maryland on a map.


----------



## fossil

When I was a kid I became fascinated with maps, so whenever our family of four was on vacation driving through California to wherever in a Dodge or a Plymouth, I always had a map open in my lap. I remember like it was yesterday when I spotted Nellies Nipple on the map. This might have been about three or four days after I even understood what the word "nipple" meant.  My dad got a real kick out of it.  My mom, not so much. 

http://www.satelliteviews.net/cgi-bin/g.cgi/?fid=1661095&state=CA&ftype=summit


----------



## BrotherBart

Yeah Blue Ball, Virginia is always good for a chuckle.


----------



## Ashful

Wow... I thought PA had sole rights to all the funny town names, like Blue Ball.

Town names in PA:

Balltown
Blue Ball
Intercourse
Virginville
Climax
Beaver
Big Beaver
Bird-in-Hand
Desire
Devil's Half Acre (okay... that one's just a "village")
Eighty-Four
Home
Mars
Moon
Moscow
Fear Not
Jersey Shore


----------



## BrotherBart

Ain't ever heard of Cut-N-Shoot, Texas I would venture. Or Muleshoe, Texas. Locally known as Gennie Slipper.


----------



## HDRock

I have been to Hell and back 4 or 5 times  Really
Hell,Mi


----------



## bmblank

We've got a hell and a Christmas in Michigan.


----------



## Jags

How about Grand Detour, IL.


----------



## Delta-T

I dont think we have any funny named towns here in NH...unless you count Dummer.


----------



## begreen

Kentucky is full of these funny town names. My fave is Big Bone Lick, KY about 30 miles south of Cincinnati. There's also a French Lick in Indiana and Fart, VA.




.


----------



## begreen

bmblank said:


> We've got a hell and a Christmas in Michigan.


 
Got Climax, MI too


----------



## begreen

Out here not so much fun. We have Boring, OR.  Well there is Whisky Dick mountain I guess.


----------



## Floydian

From Urban Dictionary:

_To get to Intercourse, PA go through Bird-in-Hand, pass Blue Ball, stay on the same road, and you'll find Intercouse. Afterwards you'll go through Paradise._

or

_If you pass by Intercourse, PA you will end up in Blueball, PA._


----------



## Floydian

I didn't know we had Fart VA but we do have some nice pronunciations here, like Buena Vista, pronounced  B-you-na Vista and Dante, pronounced D-ain't.


----------



## Shari

(just reposting a joke I found)



GRANDMAS ARE SMART

I was out walking with my grandson. He picked up something off of the ground
and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I
asked him not to do that.

"Why?" my grandson asked.

"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's
dirty, and probably has germs. Sometimes germs make little boys sick and not
feel good" I replied.

At this point, my grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly and said to him, "All Grandmas know stuff. It's on
the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently
pondering this new information. "Oh...I get it! He beamed, so if you don't
pass the test you have to be the Grandpa."

"Exactly," I replied with a big smile on my face.


----------



## Backwoods Savage

bmblank said:


> We've got a hell and a Christmas in Michigan.


 
Don't forget Paradise!


----------



## Retired Guy

Berlin, NY is pronounced locally as Burr-lynn


----------



## Floydian

"The Shirk Report" is usually good  for a few laughs-a new one every Fri. http://twistedsifter.com/2013/04/the-shirk-report-volume-210/
This site is also loaded with great photo galleries of all kinds of stuff.

Enjoy,

Noah


----------



## begreen

Floydian said:


> I didn't know we had Fart VA ...


 
You should visit there. I heard it's a gas.


----------



## homebrewz

I've been to Nimrod, OR.

In eastern NY, the hamlets of Climax and Surprise are about 7 miles apart.

In Schoharie, NY, there is an area that used to be called Sodom, and that name can still be seen on some older topo maps.
There was an Upper Sodom road and a Lower Sodom road, but they finally changed the names about a decade ago to more 
pleasant sounding names (Morning Sun and Sunnyside).


----------



## rideau

A few years ago they changed the name of our township, when a number of townships were consolidated into one.  Until then, I had the distinction of living in the Township of Bastard.


----------



## Backwoods Savage

begreen said:


> You should visit there. I heard it's a gas.


 
Reminds me of a couple spots we go through during Race Across America (bicycle race). In Arizona, we go beyond Hope. In Kansas, we get to pass Gas.


----------



## Mrs. Krabappel




----------



## yooperdave

Mrs. Krabappel said:


> View attachment 100253
> 
> View attachment 100252


 

Another great thread, K!.  Good job and more importantly. I don't think this one will get the "golden padlock" award


----------



## sheetmetaldan




----------



## Jags

Baahaha  Pyongyangnam style.


----------



## fossil




----------



## Adios Pantalones

begreen said:


> Kentucky is full of these funny town names. My fave is Big Bone Lick, KY about 30 miles south of Cincinnati. There's also a French Lick in Indiana and Fart, VA.
> 
> View attachment 100059
> 
> .


I took a picture of that sign when I saw it, as well.  Larry Bird was from French Lick. Newfoundland has some good names- Placentia Bay, and Dildo


----------



## Mrs. Krabappel




----------



## fossil

Mee ooh, Mee ooh, Ooh, Mee ooh


----------



## begreen

Here's one for all your senior moments.


----------



## Backwoods Savage




----------



## begreen




----------



## Backwoods Savage

You can believe it!


----------



## bogydave

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,Desperate
*******************
DEAR DESPERATE,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. 
We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support


----------



## Adios Pantalones




----------



## begreen

Funny, with a good message:

http://www.nfb.ca/film/balablok_english/


----------



## fossil




----------



## Backwoods Savage

It's that time of year again....at least in some places.


----------



## homebrewz

I took this photo a while ago. In their defense, its one of the nicer particle board campers I've seen.


----------



## Backwoods Savage

This one doesn't take much gas.


----------



## Defiant

The sad definition of "OLD"

#1
Very quietly I confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
He turned to me and asked, Excellent!...Are you having it catered?


#2
Just before the funeral services, the
undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
98 she replied: Two years older than me
So you're 96, the undertaker commented.
She responded, Hardly worth going home, is it?


#3
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

#4
I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

#5
An elderly woman stated: I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, 
and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

#6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will 
and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

#7
Two things about getting old...
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
And....oh yea, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

#8
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

#9
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

#10
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
For fast relief.

#11
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.


----------



## Defiant

How to turn a number 1 into a number 2


----------



## Thistle

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? Wh...at happened to your hand?”

The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook, but I’m fine, really.”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and suddenly my eye was filled with bird droppings”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird droppings.”

“It was my first day with the hook.”


----------



## Adios Pantalones

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel hanging off his belt buckle.
Bartender: "Hey- what's with the wheel? It can't be comfortable"
Pirate: "Aye- it's drivin' me nuts"


----------



## Adios Pantalones

http://twistedsifter.com/2012/04/adding-monsters-to-thrift-store-paintings/


----------



## Defiant

*6 Basic rules for good health*


1. F***ing once a week 
is good for your health, every day is even 
better.



2. 
F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & 
body.



3. 
F***ing refreshes you.



4. 
After F***ing don't eat too much; go for more 
liquids.



5. 
F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol 
level.



SO, 
REMEMBER ...



6. 
FISHING is good for your health and soul,
And may the Good Lord cleanse your FILTHY 
Mind!


----------



## Gary_602z

A man brings his best buddy back home for dinner.

His wife screams at him, "My hair & makeup are not done,
the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in
my pajamas & I can't be bothered with cooking tonight

What the f*** did you bring him around for?"

"Cause he's thinking of getting married."

Gary


----------



## Adios Pantalones

got a nice laugh out of this


----------



## fossil

Should be a nicely tanned & fit Ferret in a lifeguard stand watching the pool action.


----------



## Redbarn




----------



## Ashful




----------



## Backwoods Savage




----------



## Dairyman




----------



## Bret Hart

Anyone have any jokes to share? I'm going through joke withdrawal.


----------



## Dairyman




----------



## Backwoods Savage




----------



## Sprinter

What you don't see on those fishing shows

http://www.wimp.com/classicbloopers/


----------



## Defiant

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner. 

His wife screams at him. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?” 

"Because he's thinking of getting married...."


----------



## Backwoods Savage

Our  teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,  because everyone else laughed. My  parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my  favorite animal.  

I told my dad what happened, and  he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too.  Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the  principal's office. I  told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it  again.

The  next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was  because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. 

I  don't understand. My  parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today,  my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire  most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess  where I am now...


----------



## firebroad

I think we should make this thread a regular feature...


----------



## BrotherBart

firebroad said:


> I think we should make this thread a regular feature...


 

The thread has been running for five months. I guess it already is.


----------



## begreen

I'm bringing this is to my next doctor's appointment.


----------



## Defiant

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several boxes of ammo. On the way back to work, I stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.  She looked at the ammo in the back of my pickup and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. "Would you be interested intrading sex for ammo?"  I thought a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo have ya got?"


----------



## Backwoods Savage

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas DIPS Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth." 

So saying that, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" 

"Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right!  His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."


----------



## Gary_602z

My wife is a blonde. I would tell her this  but I don't know if she would get it!

Gary


----------



## Sprinter

How the Dinosaurs became extinct


----------



## Bret Hart

*An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.*

*Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his *
*direction with the intention of having lunch.*

*The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! *
*I'm in deep chit now!"*


*Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.*


*Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims *
*loudly,*

*"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"*

*Hearing this, the young panther *
*halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.*

*"Whew!," says the panther, "That *
*was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"*

*Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use *
*and trade it for protection from the panther. *

*So, off he goes.*

*The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the *
*panther.*

*The young panther is furious at *
*being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to *
*that conniving canine!"*

*Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I *
*going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......*

*"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"*

*Moral of this story...*

*Don't mess with the old dogs... *

*Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!*


*Bull chit and brilliance only come *
*with age and experience.*


----------



## Backwoods Savage

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to Heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up Irish Whiskey" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


----------



## HDRock

Backwoods Savage said:


> Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
> 
> I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
> 
> The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
> 
> I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
> Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...


 
 Funny,  I just had Kentucky Grilled Chicken a half hour ago


----------



## Backwoods Savage

Studies have discovered most pessimists have the same blood type. B-negative.


Teach your kids to love animals. They'll figure out the sex thing on their own.


What will my friends and loved ones say about me when my life ends and I'm laid to rest? They'll probably say, "Wow. He finally got laid."


When push comes to shove, it's really hard to tell the difference between a push and a shove.


When we got married we lived in a small house that was quite old. One day opportunity knocked and one wall completely caved in.


It's not a good idea to lie. Especially if you're in the middle of the road.


I'm going through an awkward stage. You know, the one between birth and death.


Some of the best advice I ever got I saw on a bottle of aspirin. It said:  Keep away from children.


----------



## rideau

You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead.


----------



## Backwoods Savage

Be not concerned nor be surprised, if what you do is criticized.
There’s always folks who usually can, find some fault with every plan.
Mistakes are made, we cannot deny, but only made by folks who try.



Just because the river is quiet, don’t think that all the alligators are gone.


----------



## Backwoods Savage

Bumper Stickers:

Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.

Forget World Peace. Visualize using your turn signals.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

IRS; We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.


----------



## firebroad

Backwoods Savage said:


> Forget World Peace. Visualize using your turn signals.


 
Definitely WANT that one!


----------



## WES999

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?
Stays up all nite wondering if there really is a dog.


----------



## Mrs. Krabappel

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

He took her hand and said, “Second, I’d want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…”

He sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”


----------



## Backwoods Savage

Sue, your picture didn't come through.


Magnetism is one of the six fundamental forces of the universe, with the other five being gravity, duct tape, whining, remote control and the force that pulls dogs toward the crotches of strangers.


Perhaps they are right that “clothes makes the man.” Naked people have no influence on society.




Buying quality used cars is a little like buying oats. If you want nice, clean, fresh oats, you must pay a fair price. However, if you can be satisfied with oats that have already been run through a horse, they come much cheaper.


----------



## firefighterjake

Seen on a bumper sticker . . .

What do we want? Time travel!
And when do we want it? That question is irrelevant.


----------



## firebroad




----------



## Freeheat

A set  of jumper cables goes into a bar, the bar tender says ok i'll serve ya but don't start anything


----------



## rideau

Bumper sticker seen while waiting in line at the Thousand Islands Border Crossing:

If you don't stand behind our troops, feel free to stand in front of them.


----------



## BrotherBart

Freeheat said:


> A stet of jumper cables goes into a bar, the bar tender says ok i'll serve ya but don't start anything


 

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?".


----------



## fossil

A magician walks down the the street and turns in to a drug store.


----------



## Adios Pantalones

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer, and a mop"

Favorite bumper sticker: Fat people are harder to abduct


----------



## Hearth Mistress

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."


----------



## Adios Pantalones

Did someone here post this already?


----------



## Defiant

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.


The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.



The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,’ replied the old-timer.



The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'



'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.



The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'



The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.


'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much'.


----------



## BrotherBart

Back in the sixties an old Indian got out of prison after serving a 20 year sentence. He headed for the nearest bar and ordered that beer he had been dreaming of for years. A young long haired hippie with a scruffy beard was sitting down the bar. The Indian would take a sip and then stare at the hippie. Take a sip and stare at the hippie. Eventually the hippie got bugged and came down and asked the Indian what he was staring at.

The Indian replied "Twenty years ago I go to jail for making love to Buffalo. Not sure but you just may be my son."


----------



## fossil

Wouldn't have been Craig, would it?


----------



## Backwoods Savage

No need to give your children harsh laxatives... just beat it out of them.


The preacher said that adultery is as bad as murder. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never killed nobody.


The difference between a pregnant woman and a burned out light bulb is that the light bulb can be unscrewed.


Wife to hubby:  You don’t need a new spring outfit, you need some spring in your old outfit.


----------



## BrotherBart

fossil said:


> Wouldn't have been Craig, would it?


 

Back in 1970 my boss loved telling that joke.


----------



## rideau

Here's a bumper sticker that ruined a perfectly good word for me:

Ithaca is gorges.


----------



## rideau

People who live in glass houses should wear clothes.


----------



## Gary_602z

Toothpicks float,they would.

Gary


----------



## Ashful




----------



## Hearth Mistress

I love these...they get me laughing every time


----------



## Hearth Mistress

Chinglish and Engrish sites crack me up too...no offense to anyone here, just my sick sense of humor even though their attempt at English is still better than my Chinese


----------



## Jags

The overkill with the Tonka truck made me giggle.  Looks like something I would do, just to mess with people.


----------



## Gary_602z

The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments.

Gary


----------



## homebrewz

Do you know what the difference is between a four wheel drive and a rental car?

The rental will go anywhere.


----------



## firebroad

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed security guard, and said. "I lost my Grandpa."
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa"
The Guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The tyke hesitated for a moment, then replied:
"Crown Royal Whiskey and ladies with big t!ts."


----------



## WES999

There once was a lady named Brite
Who's speed was much faster than light
She went out one day
And in a relative way
Returned on the previous night


----------



## Backwoods Savage

Just a note to say I’m living, that I’m not among the dead
Though I’m getting more forgetful and mixed up in my head.
I got used to arthritis and to my dentures I’m resigned
I can manage my trifocals, but gosh I miss my mind.

For sometimes I just can’t remember when I stand at the foot of the stair.
If I must go up for something or have I just came down from there?
And before the fridge so often my poor mind is filled with doubt
Have I just put food away or have I come to take some out?

So if it’s my turn to write you there’s no need for getting sore
I may think that I have written and don’t want to be a bore.
Just remember that I love you and I wish that you were near.
Now it’s nearly mail time so I must say good-by, my dear.

Here I stand beside the mailbox with a face so very red.
Instead of mailing you this letter I have opened it instead.


----------



## Redbarn

Old Timers 4WD


----------



## begreen

Crap, how did you get that photo of me? It sure wasn't supposed to go public!


----------



## Ashful

begreen said:


> Crap, how did you get that photo of me? It sure wasn't supposed to go public!


 

He caught it on one of oldmountvernon's lawn cameras.

So _*you *_were the guy stealing the garden gnomes!


----------



## begreen

Busted


----------



## begreen

I've got to speak with Jags about motorizing these wheels for a faster getaway.


----------



## Jags

Internal combustion or electric?


----------



## firebroad

begreen said:


> I've got to speak with Jags about motorizing these wheels for a faster getaway.


 
Whadya mean, I thought that WAS Jags....


----------



## Jags

Give it a few more years.  Currently I am still comfortable with my waistline being at my hips.


----------



## Bret Hart

*Thoughts*

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


----------



## Backwoods Savage

Nature knows her business
We’re happy to admit
She never made a loving pair
Without the part to fit.


A mother and her young son were riding in a taxi through the rougher part of town, when the little boy noticed several streetwalkers patrolling their beat and he asked who they were. The mother explained, “Those are ladies whose husbands work on the docks, and they’re waiting to walk their husbands home from work.” The cab-driver, who had been listening, looked back over his shoulder and guffawed, “Lady, those are just plain old arse-peddling hustlers. Why don’t you tell the kid the truth?” Everything was quiet for a while, then the boy asked his mother, “Do arse-peddling hustlers have little boys too?” She answered sweetly, “Of course they do, dear. That’s where all the taxi drivers come from.”


----------



## Bret Hart

*Middle aged texting*

A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort
of guy, texted back:




I'm on the toilet. Please advise.


----------



## firebroad

Bret Hart said:


> *Middle aged texting*
> 
> A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:
> 
> If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
> If you are laughing, send me your smile.
> If you are eating, send me a bite.
> If you are drinking, send me a sip.
> If you are crying, send me your tears.
> I love you.
> 
> The husband, being a no-nonsense sort
> of guy, texted back:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'm on the toilet. Please advise.


 
Since I have just recently acquired a cellphone and this skill, I found this particularly amusing


----------



## Backwoods Savage

Bubba Wayne and Billy Bob, who are both from Denton,Texas, traveled to Grand Lake, Oklahoma for a vacation. While walking along a busy downtown street, they see a sign in a store window which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each and Trousers $2.50 a pair." Bubba Wayne says, "Woo Hoo, Billy Bob! We could buy a whole gob of these clothes, take 'em back to Denton, sell 'em to all our friends and make us a fortune. Now when we go in there, don't you say a word, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your Texas accent, they might think we're ignorant, and they won't wanna sell them clothes to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow, fake Oklahoma drawl so's they won't know."

They go in and Bubba Wayne says with his best fake Oklahoma drawl, "I'll take 50 of them thar suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them thar shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them thar trousers at $2.50 each. I'll just back up my pickup and......" The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Texas, ain'cha?" "Well....yeah," says a surprised Bubba Wayne. "How come'd you know that?"     "Cause this here's a dry-cleaners."


----------



## begreen

Jags said:


> Internal combustion or electric?


 
I have lots of internal combustion, might as well use it!


----------



## Backwoods Savage

How about the guy who refused Novocain at the dentist office. He wanted to transcend dental medication.


What if birds were tickled by feathers? Would they laugh?


If you stomp gripes, do you get whine?


NASA is going to send some cows up in the next shuttle to study the effects of zero gravity on milk production. It will become known as the herd that was shot around the world.


The two most abundant elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.


Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.


----------



## WES999

A dog goes into the future and bites his own tail, when does he feel it?


----------



## Backwoods Savage

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?



The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and a woman intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. “Don’t worry lady,” he said. “I’ll pack some up with bigger portions and have them ready for you before you finish your shopping.” Several aisles later, the butcher’s voice boomed over the public address system, “Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store!”


----------



## Gary_602z

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"


----------



## bogydave

A guy stopped at a local gas station & after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.  

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. 

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. " Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling ?"  

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job." one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything.  Aren't you wasting the tax-payers' money ?"  

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy.


----------



## Backwoods Savage

A preacher was passing a group of boys sitting along the sidewalk and asked what they were doing. “Nothing much Pastor,” replied one lad. “We’re just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life.” “Boys!” he intoned, “I’m shocked. Why, when I was your age I never even thought about sex at all.” In unison they all replied, “Okay, you win Pastor!”


*Warning Signs that You are Broke*

You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking several deep breaths outside your favorite restaurant.
You’ve rolled so many pennies you’re formed a psychic bond with Abraham Lincoln.
Long distance companies quit calling to get you to switch.
You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
You rob Peter and then turn around and rob Paul too.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
You give blood every day, just for the orange juice and cookie.
McDonald’s supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
American Express calls and says, “Leave home without it.”
You beg for rides in other people's fishing boats cause you can't afford 2 stroke oil.
You steal mom and dad's pop cans from the garage on your way out the door.


----------



## Defiant

14 Places You Have To Poop At Before You Die


----------



## Floydian




----------



## Backwoods Savage

Mrs. Cohen, Mrs. Levy, and Mrs. Lefkovitz are in a bar discussing their sons. Mrs. Cohen says, “Now my Sheldon, what a man! A world famous attorney he is, with big shot clients, a mansion in Beverly Hills and a vacation home in Hawaii. He has a beautiful wife and everything a man could want in this world!”

Mrs. Levy says, “That’s nice dear, but let me tell you about my son Jonathan. He is a doctor and a world famous researcher. He travels across the world to conferences and gives lectures. He was also nominated for a Nobel Prize in medicine.”  “What a man!”

Mrs. Lefkovitz says. “My Hershel, he’s an engineer. He makes maybe $35,000 a year and he’s not famous. But his manhood is so long you can line up 10 pigeons in a row on it!”

After a few more drinks, Mrs. Cohen says, “Actually, I have a confession to make. My Sheldon’s an up and coming lawyer in Los Angeles, but he doesn’t have a vacation home in Hawaii. He’s a bright young man with a good future.”

Mrs. Levy then says, “Well, I have a confession to make too. My Jonathan is a good doctor and he had a scholarship, but he wasn’t nominated for a Nobel Prize and he doesn’t give lectures.”

Then suddenly there was silence. Mrs. Cohen and Mrs. Levy look expectantly as Mrs. Lefkovitz. “Well, all right. I’ll tell the truth too. That last pigeon has got to stand on one leg.”


----------



## Ashful

Defiant said:


> 14 Places You Have To Poop At Before You Die


 

THAT is a brilliant web site!


----------



## firebroad

Joful said:


> THAT is a brilliant web site!


 
+1. 
I particularly like the link that shows the past photos against the present locations.


----------



## Ashful

firebroad said:


> +1.
> I particularly like the link that shows the past photos against the present locations.


 

It takes a special mind to come up with things like, "The 33 Most Important Bunny GIFs On The Internet", or "33 Smells You Will Never Be Able To Forget".


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## Backwoods Savage

Magnetism is one of the six fundamental forces of the universe, with the other five being gravity, duct tape, whining, remote control and the force that pulls dogs toward the crotches of strangers.


Why are parents so impatient for a child to take his first steps and to speak his first words? They then spend the next 18 years telling the kid to shut up and sit down.


I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.


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## Backwoods Savage

Don’t bend over in the garden Granny. You know them taters got eyes!

Did you hear about the artistic lady Plastic Surgeon? She made a big bust of herself.


Why do they say, “She’s expecting?” It seems more like she is certain of it.

Why do they call it “Instant Credit?” Don’t they mean Instant Debt?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?


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## BrotherBart

Why do we park on the driveway and drive on the parkway?


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## Gary_602z

Why do we say something builds character, but we call the town idiot a character?

gary


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## Mrs. Krabappel

Let freedom ring!


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## Backwoods Savage

BrotherBart said:


> Why do we park on the driveway and drive on the parkway?


 
And we also find that quicksand can work slowly and boxing rings are square. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger and neither apple nor pine in pineapple. 
Why is the third hand on a clock called a second hand? You can also comb through annals of history but can't find a single annal. And the guys on hearth.com chop down a lot of trees but then they chop them up. What gives? We also eat food up but down a lot of drinks.
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?


Take the word finish. When you are done with the finish on a particular piece of wood, you are said to have finished with the finish. But then, there may also be Finnish that finish the finish and are finally finished. 



Little Johnny rushes home from school and invades the refrigerator. He is scooping out some ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.” Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play? So he says, “Let’s play Mommy and Daddy.” Trying not to act surprised and to further appease him, she says, “Fine. I’ll play. What should I do?” Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down on the bed.” Really wondering what little Johnny is going to do next, but figuring she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs and laid on the bed. Soon, little Johnny swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat and as he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. So he goes over and picks it up and slips it into the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother asks, “What do I do now? In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”


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## Bret Hart

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. 
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' 
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. 
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'


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## Backwoods Savage

They say a mockingbird can change its tune eighty seven times in seven minutes. They must be the envy of every politician.

The problem with stress-regulation methods, such as breathing exercises, relaxation technique, bio-feedback etc., is that none of it is as satisfying as beating the hell out of your stressor.



The Lamaze class was in full swing with the room full of pregnant women and their husbands. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly also with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the pain. Then the instructor announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you and walking is very beneficial. And gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your wife either!” Suddenly the room got quiet until finally a man raised his hand. “Yes?” replied the teacher. The man then asked, “Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”


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## Jack Fate

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're do...ing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7


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## Backwoods Savage

Did you hear about the fellow who thought logarithm was a type of birth control for a north woods couple?

One girl says, “I don’t understand why those Russians are so un-cooperative. Give me a couple of Vodkas and I’ll agree to anything.

I just heard a doctor on TV remark that every sex encounter takes 15 minutes off a man’s life. According to that, I died about 30 years ago!



Untidy is the woman who cooks carrots and peas in the same pot.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.


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## osagebow

Turtle was paid handsomely with nightcrawlers and strawberries, then released.


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## Backwoods Savage

The preacher said that adultery is as bad as murder. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never killed nobody.

Did you hear about the old maid that went into the mail order business. The first day she ordered three males.

A fart is the sharpest thing in the world. It can go through your pants without even making a hole.


Ye who came to Nature’s call
Why do you write upon the wall?
Could it be that your feeble wit
Only shines where others...go?


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## HDRock

Mrs. Krabappel said:


> View attachment 105670
> 
> Let freedom ring!


Not a chuckle but thanks for posting
What kinda park is that 
That's a hell of a way to celebrate independence , being watched and searched 
I would say more but, I will bite my tung


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## Delta-T

goat walks into a bar...
bar tender says "hey everyone, look at this, there's a goat in my bar!"
he leans over the counter and asks the goat "well, what'll it be?"
...but the goat doesn't answer
...cuz goats can't talk you know.


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## firebroad

HDRock said:


> Not a chuckle but thanks for posting
> What kinda park is that
> ]


 

An American one!!


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## Jags

Come on now Delta - you know if he could talk he would have asked for a Billy Beer.


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## Delta-T

i had to look that up...there really IS billy beer. go figure


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## fossil

Mushroom walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Hey, I'm not gonna serve you in here."
Mushroom says, "Why not, I'm a fun guy."


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## BrotherBart

Delta-T said:


> i had to look that up...there really IS billy beer. go figure


 

I have a six pack of it still in the plastic holder in the basement.


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## firebroad

BrotherBart said:


> I have a six pack of it still in the plastic holder in the basement.


 
Might as well, it wasn't fit to drink

Mr. Firebroad called it "Billy P!$$"


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## Backwoods Savage

I’m not allowed to run the train
The whistle I can’t blow
I’m not allowed to say how far
The lousy thing can go

I’m not allowed to blow off steam
Nor even ring the bell
But let that thing jump off the track
Then see who catches hell



Life is sexually transmitted.

Is an erection considered personal growth?


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## rideau

From my children's childhood days:  (Obviously to Frere Jacques)

Daddy's rusting
Daddy's rusting
Bring him in
Bring him in
Rub and shine and polish him
Rub and shine and polish him
It's too late
It's too late


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## Redbarn

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes ..
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose ..
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ... correct?
Man: Correct ..
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct ..
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No ..
Man: Where's your Ferrari?


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## BrotherBart

This one is closing. Getting way too far off color.


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